monetize this

When Weird Al Yankovic sings about business jargon, he’s mocking these companies

July 17, 2014
July 17, 2014

Weird Al Yankovic’s new album includes a song called “Mission Statement” in which he rattles off a torrent of frequently used business jargon (in a parody of Crosby, Stills, Nash, & Young), highlighting the fact that none of it really means anything.

Here are the lyrics, with links to actual corporate statements that use the terms:

We must all efficiently

Operationalize our strategies

Invest in world-class technology

And leverage our core competencies

In order to holistically administrate

Exceptional synergy

We’ll set a brand trajectory

Using management’s philosophy

Advance our market share vis-à-vis

Our proven methodology

With strong commitment to quality

Effectively enhancing corporate synergy

Transitioning our company

By awareness of functionality

Promoting viability

Providing our supply chain with diversity

We will distill our identity

Through client-centric solutions

And synergy

At the end of the day

We must monetize our assets

The fundamentals of change

Can you visualize a value-added experience?

That will grow the business infrastructure and

Monetize our assets

Monetize our assets

Monetize our assets

Bringing to the table

Our capitalized reputation

Proactively overseeing

Day-to-day operations

Services and deliverables

With cross-platform innovation

Networking, soon will bring,seamless integration

Robust and scalable, bleeding-edge and next-generation

Best of breed

We’ll succeed

In achieving globalization

And gaining traction with our resources in the marketplace

It’s mission-critical to stay incentivized

________* flexible solutions for our customer base

If you can’t think outside the box

You’ll be downsized

It’s a paradigm shift! (Hey, Hey! Look out!)

Well, it’s a paradigm shift, now!

(Here we go! Here we go! Here we come! Here we come! Ha!)

 *Note: Weird Al is such a business wonk that in the last verse, he threw in jargon not even Quartz could decipher. If you can figure it out, please annotate this post.

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