Why I’m buying an exploding smartphone

Lately, a lot of smartphones have been exploding. Samsung’s Galaxy Note 7 keeps blowing up, and there’s a rumor going around that one of the new iPhone 7’s may have combusted in the box.

Here’s the thing, though: an exploding smartphone may be exactly what I’ve always wanted. Sure, the US government might have announced a massive recall of Samsung’s devices (something about “serious burn hazard”), and you can’t use them or even charge them on airplanes. But I realized that, more often than not, I would be happy to see my smartphone blow up, burning itself and/or the people around me.

Here are a few times when it would be absolutely great:

  • Bad first date
  • My alarm didn’t go off
  • Mid-year performance review (place phone near boss)
  • When Time Warner Cable calls to confirm my customer service appointment for the third time
  • On vacation when I’m really trying to unplug
  • The moment I open my inbox after vacation
  • Diversion tactic in Capture the Flag or another team-building game
  • Found a Charmander in Pokémon Go
  • When I’m camping and can’t make a fire any of the cool ways
  • Mediocre second or even third date
  • End-of-year performance review (place phone near object large and flammable enough to take down the whole place)
  • When I’ve been looking at Facebook for more than one hour
  • When I’m about to order enough food for three to four people but really it’s all just for me
  • Any time I’m in an UberPool
  • Family reunions
  • When my ex calls
  • When my friend, who is nice, but I don’t like all that much, calls
  • When my dad, who really does have the best intentions, calls
  • Honestly, when anyone calls
  • When my ex texts
  • When my ex likes an Instagram
  • When my ex doesn’t like an Instagram
  • When, in my ex’s contact info, my finger hovers over the “call” icon for more than five minutes
  • Any time I yell “flame!” like a wizard
  • An attractive person suggests taking a group selfie
  • Near anyone who uses the phrase “squad goals” or says “lol” out loud
  • When I’m lying in bed at 11pm watching YouTube videos about how various things are made
  • When I’m lying in bed at 3am staring at my phone, flipping mindlessly between texts and email and Instagram and apps, not even really sure what I’m looking at, but somehow always landing on photos of my ex because my phone secretly hates me
  • Right now

Anyway, the more I think about it, having an exploding smartphone will be super useful! Ideally it could explode more than once. Maybe I’ll buy several. If it goes well, I might even consider an exploding washing machine, too—great for that moment when you realize your entire wardrobe is terribly uncool.

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