IN CASE OF EMERGENCY

The complete holiday guide to awkward family situations

Holidays can be stressful and filled with awkward situations. We’ve all been there! Fortunately we have a solve for nearly every potentially awkward situation you might encounter with your family this year. Whether you left your vape pen at home or just need some extra coping strategies, here are the best fixes for your most uncomfortable family moments.

What to do when…

You’re the guest, and the host appears overwhelmed in the kitchen.
Offer to help! Or better yet, just start chopping something. Really doesn’t matter what. Just chop anything.

You’re the host, and you’re overwhelmed in the kitchen.
Set something on fire. This takes the focus off of you and onto the fire.

You’re asked to give the toast, but you’d rather tell everyone how little faith you have in the world.
Give a toast of thanks while also expressing that you hope for better in the world—while staring down Racist Uncle Gary. If the slow clap doesn’t begin in 30 seconds, finish your drink in one gulp, throw it against the wall, and leave. Point = made!

Someone’s drunk guest starts hitting on your partner.
Tell the person who invited them to rein them in. It’s their responsibility to take care of their guests, not yours.

Your drunk partner starts hitting on someone’s guest.
Rein them in. It’s your responsibility to take care of your guests, not your family.

You’re drunk and hitting on everyone.
FOR GOODNESS SAKE, REIN IT IN. WHAT ARE YOU DOING? THIS ROOM IS LIKE 90% RELATED TO YOU.

Everyone else bought the host a gift except for you.
It’s too late. Nothing you say will reverse this. Send them an Amazon e-card and go off into the wilderness to die.

Your cousin is wearing a Make America Great Again cap and the other is wearing an I’m With Her t-shirt.
Pour a bigger glass of wine for the cousin that loves freedom more, whoever you think that person is. Request uniforms for next year’s holiday gathering.

You can’t hear your conversation over someone’s screaming, undisciplined child.
Get that parent a big glass of wine! They deserve it!

Your entire family is silent at the dinner table
Get them a big glass of wine! They deserve it!

Your entire family won’t stop fighting at the dinner table
Pour yourself a big glass of wine! You deserve it! In fact, just start pouring wine everywhere—someone will eventually notice!

The one person who was told wouldn’t be welcome turns up mid-meal.
Ask if anyone needs wine. Asking for wine is your life now. Wine is all there is. You’re fine. Everyone’s fine! Everything’s just fine!

Reductress’s book How to Win at Feminism is out now with Harper Collins. You can follow Reductress on Twitter at @Reductress. Learn how to write for Quartz Ideas. We welcome your comments at ideas@qz.com.

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