My younger sister always gives me very good advice.
Once, for instance, she told me, “You need to stop asking Google questions about your life.” And she was right: Treating an Internet search engine as an advice column isn’t necessarily the best way to navigate life. When you ask Google, ”How to find love,” the top answer instructs, “Consider your appearance.” Ask, ”Should I write a book?” and the top answer is ”Why you should NOT write a book.” The internet can be very discouraging.
But it’s hard to quit my habit of using Google as a go-to, on-demand, 24/7 guide to life. And of course, I’m not alone. On Sept. 1, Google shared a list of the most-searched “how-to” questions around the world. It’s a moving portrait of all the beauty, bewilderment, and struggle of human existence. Consider the global top 10 list:
- how to tie a tie
- how to kiss
- how to get pregnant
- how to lose weight
- how to draw
- how to make money
- how to make pancakes
- how to write a cover letter
- how to make french toast
- how to lose belly fat
At first glance, it seems people are seeking Google’s help with concrete tasks. But don’t let the specificity fool you. These aren’t really questions about kisses, French toast, and belly fat. These are questions about how to give and receive love, and other weighty matters. I took the opportunity to translate:
| Question | What you’re really asking |
|---|---|
| How to tie a tie | How do I grow up |
| How to kiss | How can I be vulnerable |
| How to get pregnant | How can I create a family |
| How to lose weight | Am I lovable |
| How to draw | Is there a cure for my existential ennui |
| How to make money | Can I find success |
| How to make pancakes | What’s the recipe for happiness |
| How to write a cover letter | Am I good enough |
| How to make french toast | Can I be carefree for a morning |
| How to lose belly fat | Can I be young forever |
Google certainly has solid, step-by-step replies for many of these questions. But as a seasoned “Ask Google” professional, I thought I’d take a shot at answering them, too.
| Question | Tentative answer |
|---|---|
| How to tie a tie | Learn from the people you look up to |
| How to kiss | Like you mean it |
| How to get pregnant | Sex! (It doesn’t always work; worth trying repeatedly) |
| How to lose weight | Eat less; exercise more; love yourself at any weight |
| How to draw | Get colored pencils, paper, and go |
| How to make money | Be practical, but keep your soul happy |
| How to make pancakes | Have breakfast with someone you like. And use whole wheat flour. (Trust me.) |
| How to write a cover letter | There’s no right answer to this question, so be bold |
| How to make french toast | Make toast in Paris |
| How to lose belly fat | Your belly is probably fine |