* FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE *
LEBANON, KANSAS, Nov. 19, 2017—From the geographical and arguably spiritual center of the United States comes a new publication, DEFINITIVE FACTS, founded with a mission to serve Americans with “clickbait for the radical moderate.”
“Most news sites that operate purely to generate clicks are really one-sided,” said Editor-in-Chief Hussein Garcia-Smith. “We want to bring a unique brand of overblown, hyper-aggressive clickbait to the reasonable, fact-based moderates of America.”
DEFINITIVE FACTS will take a radically bipartisan approach to news and politics, like Breitbart News does on the right and Upworthy on the left. “Centrism doesn’t have to be middling,” said Garcia-Smith.
“We figured, people are convinced by fake news because it is usually really shouty,” he added. “We want to shout out the facts in as loud and obnoxious a way as possible. Please like the ‘DE FACTO’ page on Facebook and share our stories if, after reading all the way to the end, you think they deserve a wider audience.”
For a taste of the bracingly bipartisan fare that DEFINITIVE FACTS has in store, these are a dozen headlines of stories to be published at launch, scheduled for noon on the ides of December.
📰 📰 📰
CHINA makes stuff and so does THE UNITED STATES and they SELL that stuff to each other
HELL YEAH: Economics professor perfectly—with caveats and qualifications—summarizes why central banks are good
This INCREDIBLE light-rail network was funded entirely from REASONABLE taxation and ALSO private funds
WATCH THIS: Politician responds to question from the other side of the political spectrum
CAREFUL ANALYSIS shows that ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE is a long way off, but THE FUTURE IS HARD TO PREDICT
REGULAR AND JUSTIFIED DATA-REVISION PRACTICES REVEALED!
PRESIDENT weighs all of the options and consults several DOMAIN EXPERTS before making informed decision
IT’S OFFICIAL: George Soros is mostly good, but sometimes bad, and we shouldn’t judge him one way or the other
ISLAM is a peaceful religion though with some extremists as IS THE CASE with all religions
LEFTIST HYPOCRISY? No, people can hold views that conflict with one another
Two ECONOMISTS had differing interpretations of the data. Then their DISCUSSION led to greater consensus
What the Bureau of Labor Statistics WANTS YOU TO KNOW: The unemployment rate was unchanged last month