It’s been a pretty scary year for the global economy, marked by trade wars, market jitters, and many other dangers. But what’s bad for investment portfolios is good for topical Halloween costume ideas.
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TikTok: Blast six seconds of a Nickelback song on a loop, and perform an elaborate, silly routine. Don’t be fazed when the laughter dies down after a while; just keep repeating it.
5G: Tell all your friends you’ll be at the party at 7pm, then text them every hour that you’re almost there and just need to take out some cash first. Stay home and eat nachos in front of the TV. Text after midnight and say you’ll be there in 2023.
Libra: Kind of like 5G, but never text.
Dark mode: Put on sunglasses, black t-shirt with white lettering, and black trousers. Look haughty when anyone enters the party wearing light colors and mutter something about “positive polarity.”
Adam Neumann: Wear a graphic tee, jeans, no shoes, and the biggest, shiniest golden parachute you can find. Invite everyone to your party, promising a consciousness-altering event, and right before it starts, leave with all the snacks. (Book a venue on an upper floor, so guests can admire the parachute as you float away.)
Investment banker pitching a tech IPO: Don a branded fleece vest (natch) and carry a thick binder conspicuously oozing red ink.
The Irish border: Dress like a customs officer and propose impossible conundrums to everyone you meet.
Green New Deal: Like the Irish border, but with possible conundrums.
Peloton: Cycle as fast as you can to the party, so you arrive sweaty and out of breath. When people ask about the music blaring from the iPad strapped to your bike, say you need to consult with lawyers about licensing rights before you can answer.
Skincare: Wear a nude Lycra bodysuit to which you periodically apply a light water misting. Charge $500 to show up to any party.
Trypophobia: Wrap yourself in bubble wrap and wear the killer’s mask from Scream. Bonus points if you’ve already got a nasty rash you can display.
Yield curve: Cover yourself in graph paper and spend most of the night wiggling around on the floor. Periodically announce “a recession is coming!” and stand on your head.
Sexy yield curve: ☝️ but with more leg.
Juul: Slather on a heavy, fruity scent and stand silently at the back of the party looking cool. Ask everyone who comes in whether they know any teenagers. When they ask why, say “no reason!”
Canna-bro: Drape yourself in branded crypto swag, with hastily applied marijuana-themed stickers covering up the company names.
The gold standard: Standard zombie costume, but instead of “Braaaaains” talk about your upcoming hearing for a seat on the Federal Reserve Board of Governors.
Impossible Burger: Dress like a regular burger, but tell everyone within earshot that you aren’t. Show up at parties no one invited you to.
Amazon Prime Day: Shave your head, put on mirrored shades, and squeeze into a tight-fitting vest that shows off your muscles. Carry a big sack full of smart speakers and give them away to everyone you meet.
Amazon copycat brand: Dress in an overtly trendy way, and when people ask what you’re wearing gush about how much you love your “Mostbirds” shoes and glasses by “Worby Parker, with an ‘O.’”
Negative interest rate: Dress like the euro-zone finance minister of your choice. Walk up to people, say “here you go,” and then take a small bite of their food or sip of their drink.
Friends. Wear 35 outfits on top of each other, put a turkey on your head, and carry around bags of money.
Streaming service: Introduce yourself as “Plus” and walk around the party asking people for $7, $12, or $16 depending on their feelings about advertising. Stay as close to Friends as possible.
S-1 risk factors: Wear a nondescript gray suit and every once in a while blurt out warnings like “WE MAY NOT ACHIEVE AN ENJOYABLE PARTY IN THE FORESEEABLE FUTURE” and “ALCOHOL MAY ADVERSELY AFFECT YOUR ENJOYMENT OF THIS EVENING.”
Rental scooter: Show up to the party but awkwardly block the entrance.