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DRESS FOR SUCCESS

Last-minute Halloween costumes ripped from the headlines

A person wearing a Michael Meyers costume attends an outdoor Halloween party.
Reuters/Mario Anzuoni
Ma'am, where would you like your Instacart order?
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It’s been an interesting year for the global economy, marked by an ongoing pandemic, a supply chain in crisis, and the rise of Crocs as a fashion statement. But what’s bad for our mental health and full-body photos is good for Halloween costume ideas.

This is our sixth annual rundown (1, 2, 3, 4, 5) of costumes for worldly business professionals who want to show that they’re on top of the latest trends. Read on, if you dare.

Vaccine mandate: Dress as Joe Biden. Make everyone who comes to the party show their vaccination card. (Honestly, you should probably do this anyway.)

Inflation: Wear a sweatshirt that says “TRANSITORY?” and cover yourself in price tags. Anytime you walk by a conversation, interrupt it with “Are you guys talking about me?”

Stagflation: Wear your best Saturday Night Fever costume and stand over Inflation’s shoulder all night.

The Ever Given: Wear a cardboard box and block the door to the bathroom for four hours.

Facebook: Put on a Stop the Steal hat, an All Lives Matter t-shirt, and no pants. Introduce yourself as Meta.

Netflix: Don a green tracksuit and white vans, invite everyone at the party to play a children’s game, and then shoot the winners with a money gun.

Space tourist: Wear a flight suit and a Hawaiian shirt. Stare out the window at every opportunity and say “My goodness me!” in awe-struck tones.

Jeff Bezos: Wear a flight suit with a fleece vest and a cowboy hat. Stare out the window at every opportunity and say “Everything the light touches is mine.”

Flight attendant: Put on a regular flight attendant uniform, plus duct tapes and handcuffs.

Sexy flight attendant: Same.

Lumber: Strap a 2×4 to your back. Arrive six months late to the party.

The supply chain: Put on every piece of clothing you own, and drag your Peloton to the party. Offer to get people drinks, but make seven prolonged stops on the way back from the kitchen.

Used car: Wear a sign that says “2012 Toyota Corolla, 35,000 miles and a minor oil problem. $20,000.” Trust us, you’ll be the most popular person at the party.

The world’s richest person: Swap out masks of Jeff Bezos, Bernard Arnault, and Elon Musk over the course of the evening.

GameStop: Throw on sweatpants and glue your phone to your hand. Anytime someone asks where you’re going (and even when they don’t), yell “TO THE MOON.”

Jack Ma: Wear a suit, show up early, criticize the party’s hosts for letting it get so wild, and then spend the rest of the night hiding in a broom closet.

The Great Resignation: Wear your bathrobe and drink straight from a bottle of wine. At the beginning of the party, tell everyone you’re “giving notice” and will be leaving in two hours.

Dune: Wear a onesie. Spit in everyone’s drink and then say, “You’re welcome for sharing the precious gift of my body’s water.” While they’re sputtering, put sand in their shoes.

The delta variant: Creep up behind every party guest and startle them by screaming “YOU’RE NEXT!” Then cut the lights and insist everyone goes home early.

Semiconductor: Skip the party.

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