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Reuters/Steve Marcus
All the journalists at CES 2015 in Las Vegas should be careful out there.
SHARDS

An Invitation to Connect with Satan at CES 2015

By Jason O. Gilbert

Dear Jason,

I hope this email finds you well. I noticed that you were attending this year’s CES, and I was wondering if you were interested in scheduling a meeting with Satan.

Satan, the Prince of Darkness, is an international leader in inflicting pain, destruction, and doom upon hapless mortals. Coming off a fresh round of funding (from investors including the Illuminati, a subterranean cabal of shadowy banking executives, and Andreessen Horowitz) Satan is looking to make 2015 a year to remember for His trademark brand of deceit and wickedness.

Satan can walk you through his patent-pending technique for tormenting lost souls and discuss emerging trends in the sowing evil-upon-innocents space. Satan can also provide exclusive insight into the ongoing Comcast-Time Warner merger.

The King of the Bottomless Infernal Pit is available for briefings at a private suite at the Mirage. We’re pleased to offer free transportation to and from your hotel via Satan’s preferred method of transportation, the Las Vegas taxi system.

Can I interest you in setting up an informal chat with Satan? I have slots open all day on Tuesday, January 6 and on the morning of Wednesday, January 7. Satan is also available to appear before you as a nightmarish hell-vision any time after the moon rises on a cold and cloudless night.

Looking forward to hearing from you, Jason! And if this opportunity doesn’t fit your beat, please feel free to forward this email to any colleagues you think might be interested in meeting with Satan.

Really, though, this is a unique opportunity you don’t want to pass up. If you’re able to squeeze Him in, I can promise you one thing: From here on out, when you think about CES, you will think about Satan.

Best,

Julia Whitehorse
Capstone PR for Satan

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