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We did horrible things to the Apple Watch, and it did horrible things to us

A woman wearing a mock-up of an Apple Watch stands in front of an Apple sign at an electronics store in Tokyo April 24, 2015.
Reuters/Thomas Peter
Do not do this with your Apple Watch
Published This article is more than 2 years old.

We Put The Apple Watch In A Blender

We Flung The Apple Watch From The Top Of A Skyscraper

We Beat The Apple Watch With A Mallet And Some Baseball Bats

We Kept On Hammering The Apple Watch Even After The Cameras Stopped Rolling

We Swung Our Primitive Tools Upon The Much-Hyped Wearable Until Our Arms Were Sore From Overexertion

We Let Forth the Basest Yowls Of Primal Satisfaction As We Reduced The Instrument To Its Sensors And Chips

We Finally Stopped Pummeling The Apple Watch As A Blood-Orange Sun Set Behind The Hills To The West

We Caught Our Breaths And Regarded The Destroyed Technology At Our Feet

We Swept Up The Innards Of The Apple Watch And A Strange Silence Overtook Us

We Huddled Above The Pulverized Apple Watch, Daring Not Look Into One Another Eyes

We Arrived At Work The Next Morning, An Unspoken Air Of Regret Between Us

We Checked Our Schedule: ‘9AM: Run Over The Apple Watch With A Steamroller’

We Had Not Slept The Night Before. The Moon, And The Memories Of Ourselves, Stirred Us Awake

We Argued Over Who Would Operate The Machine And Flatten The Digital Timepiece

We Pushed Each Other, And Tore One Another’s Garments, As The Apple Watch Awaited Its Obliteration

Our Assistant Interrupted Us. Our YouTube Video “Apple Watch DESTROYED By Dental Implements” Had Just Crossed One Million Views

It Meant Nothing. In The End, It Was The Apple Watch Who Had Destroyed Us.

We Were The Beaten.

We Were The Flung.

We Were The Blended.

What Next? What Next? What Next?

We Dropped The Apple Watch In A Deep Fryer.

📬 Kick off each morning with coffee and the Daily Brief (BYO coffee).

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