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Reuters/Andrew Burton
Stand clear of the closing doors please
LADIES AND GENTLEMAN...

Honest New York City subway announcements

Dan Amira
By Dan Amira

“Ladies and gentlemen, please move all the way in to the middle of the train. This will allow more space for your fellow passengers, who will enclose you in a dense, indifferent gauntlet of humanity which, only minutes from now, you will have to literally fight your way through in order to attain your freedom.”

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“Stand clear of the closing doors please. Although should you desire to hold the doors open for any reason at all—maybe your friend is running to catch the train, maybe you’re just a sociopath—we are completely powerless to stop you. All we can do is make wan, half-hearted attempts to close the doors on you, over and over again, until you decide it’s time to release your train of hostages from their subterranean purgatory.”

– –

“Ladies and gentlemen: We are being held momentarily by the train’s dispatcher. The train’s dispatcher is a wicked man who gets a sick thrill from toying with your lives like a god. Please be patient.”

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“Ladies and gentlemen: This is an important message from the New York City Police Department. If you see a suspicious package or activity on the platform or train, keep it to yourself. This is the subway. Everything is suspicious. We have neither the time nor manpower to investigate things just because they’re suspicious.”

Reuters/Patrick Cashin/MTA/Handout
I’m sure the bus is around here somewhere.

“Ladies and gentlemen: We are experiencing a momentary delay because of train traffic ahead of us. ‘Momentary’ being something of a nebulous term, admittedly. Why, compared to the vast expanse of time, your entire life is a moment.”

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“Ladies and gentlemen: If you see an elderly, pregnant, or disabled person near you, offer your seat. Then take a furtive look around you to see if anyone noticed your act of gallantry. Bask in the subtle, barely perceptible sense of appreciation emanating from your fellow passengers. You’re a damn hero is what you are. You don’t need to do anything nice for anybody else today.”

– –

“Ladies and gentlemen: We are delayed because of a sick passenger in a train ahead of us. A sick, selfish passenger holding up the entire line because he desperately craves attention and doesn’t care that every other person here would gladly roll his sick ass off the train if it meant getting home to their Netflix queues even one second sooner.”

– –

“This is a Queens-bound Q express train. The next and apparently last stop is: Three stations short of your intended destination. Sorry. There’s probably a bus somewhere, or…?”

– –

“Ladies and gentlemen: As you exit please be careful of the gap between the platform and the train. Should you fall through the gap between the platform and the train, you will be captured by the mole people and married off to their pansexual leader, Relf.”