POEM

The 2016 television schedule, disrupted

Obsession
Glass
Obsession
Glass

So Community’s on Yahoo
And Mindy’s on Hulu,
Full House is on Netflix
And The Muppets are on YouTube.

Aladdin’s on Alibaba,
And Frasier’s on Friendster,
Facebook’s got Braceface
And Twitter’s got Dexter.

Twin Peaks will return
As will Once Upon a Time
But they’ll only be available
On HBO Go Now Pro Prime.

Want more Parks & Recreation?
Just buy a PlayStation!
And you’re a Brazzers account away
From new Californication!

And how about Clarissa Explains It All?
It’s coming to Vox this fall!
Ready for Mic’s next pivot?
They’re bringing back Kids in the Hall!

Meanwhile Casper’s got Casper
And it comes with free bedsheets!
Did you hear about Workaholics?
It’s now exclusive to Google Docs’ Spreadsheets!

The Fader got James Spader
For three more seasons of The Blacklist,
While Gawker will syndicate The Dr. Oz Show
Through its annual Hack List!

Are you riding in an Uber?
Enjoy Taxicab Confessions!
And Quora’s not just for advice;
It’s the new home of The $64,000 Question!

Baby, forget that recession!
The Web paid for your new TV obsession!
So take your mind off the bubble
And watch Groupon’s reboot of Double Trouble!

All of HGTV?
It’s exclusive to your Airbnb!
What’s SpaceX’s next mission?
A relaunch of Star Trek: TNG!

Nickelodeon’s Super Toy Run?
It’s coming back on Instacart!
No one knows how they’ll pay for it
But all the VCs think it’s smart!

So rejoice, ye cord cutters!
Silicon Valley’s got you covered!
Your favorite TV shows are right here,
All for just 1,200 bucks a year.

Follow Jason on Twitter. We welcome your comments at ideas@qz.com.

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