SERIOUSLY?

Requirements for living at the Startup Palace

Fellow entrepreneurs!

Here at the Startup Palace, we are striving toward excellence in both life and work, and we are currently accepting applications from individuals who wish to live here. This is an exciting opportunity for any entrepreneur living in Silicon Valley!

There are a few requirements, however. To be eligible for a spot in the Startup Palace, you must:

  • Have a building named after you at an Ivy League or equivalent school
  • Be able to perform at least 35 pull-ups in succession
  • Commute by fixed-gear bicycle and/or sustainable hovercraft
  • Live by a system of morals and ethics prescribed in a 19th-century treatise
  • Enjoy an occasional pool party

In addition, in order to facilitate friendships at the Startup Palace, and to not disturb the genteel tendencies of our current residences, we will NOT be considering anyone who:

  • Has ever owned a skateboard
  • Uses cuss words or rough language
  • Reads the news
  • Follows current events
  • Is generally knowledgeable about the emerging trends and geopolitical shifts occurring in the world around us
  • Has ever visited a Website that doesn’t have the word “Tech” in the URL
  • Identifies as a “foodie” or a “diabetic”
  • Can locate Afghanistan on a map
  • Knows what an IUD does
  • Owns costume jewelry
  • Engages in buffoonery, horseplay, or roughhousing
  • Scored lower than a 97 on any AP Calculus test, quiz, or take-home assignment
  • Knows how to twerk, grind, or do the Robot
  • Consumes foodstuffs from more than 3 sectors of the Food Pyramid
  • Has ever done pot, weed, hash, cigars, vaping, hookah, or rolling papers
  • Litters their speech with slang words, jive talk, or anagrams
  • Regularly receives money from your parents
  • Drives a car given to you by your parents
  • Still talks to your parents
  • Loves your parents
  • Cherishes anything your parents have ever done for you
  • Was born of a man and a woman
  • Ever wants to procreate
  • Is not willing to undergo an irreversible vasectomy performed by a startup incubated at the Startup Palace (Snip.ly)
  • Woman

If you do not meet these requirements, do not bother applying to live in the Startup Palace. The Startup Palace is a home and working space for people* who are serious about changing the world, despite the fact that we have named our space like a fanciful nightmare time-traveling Renaissance Fair exhibition. Amenities include a swimming pool, Chef’s Kitchen, and a retrograde environment that insulates you from the occasionally harsh realities of the very real world that surrounds you.

If this describes you, please apply here, and get ready to have some fun!**

*White men in their early twenties

** Fun will only be had on Tuesdays from 6:30PM – 6:45PM

Hat-tip to Kevin Roose. Follow Jason on Twitter. We welcome your comments at ideas@qz.com.

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