SERIOUSLY?

We are excited to announce our merger! With everything!

Dear Readers,

We here at Gilbert Media are excited to announce our merger with Vox Media

And that Vox Media has merged with Vice Media!

And that Vice has merged with Mic which merged with Spike which merged with SPiN, all of which has merged with EliteDaily and DailyMail and FanSided and PlayBuzz and BroBible and Uproxx and GOOP!

This is a very exciting merging of mergers to form a mega-merged merger of emerging media!

This new umbrella company—which will operate under the name VoxViceDailyBuzz (for Bros)—will leverage each company’s particular editorial strengths and distribution strategies! Content will be delivered in the form of Web articles, Facebook videos, promoted tweets, push notifications, holiday cards, a $14,000-per-person ideas conference in Bratislava, Snapchat pornography, paid advertisements above the urinals at football stadiums, a print magazine distributed exclusively via T-shirt cannon, and more!

But the mergers don’t end there: We’re also excited to announce our merger with Charter Cable! And we’re even more excited to announce that Charter Cable has merged with Time Warner Cable! And that Charter-Time Warner has merged with Comcast, which merged with Cox Communications, which merged with AT&T and Cricket and Cingular and Foxconn and Boost Mobile and Joost Mobile and the International Space Station and Sprint-Vtel-C-Spire-Vonage!

This new umbrella company–which will operate under the name Voxcast ViceWarner Cable Co. Incorporated (for Bros)—will allow us to utilize key technologies, networks, platforms, data sets, SaaS apps, softwares, and USB thumb drives. We are especially excited to see the synergies between Uproxx, Vox.com, Cox Comm, and Foxconn!

But we are even more excited to announce our imminent merger with Verizon, who recently merged with AOL, who subsequently announced a series of strategic mergers with T-Mobile and Teespring and LinkedIn and Clinkle and Axel Springer and Axl Rose and Rose McGowan and Hot Topic and Hot Pockets and Johnny Rockets and SalesForacle and Ticketmaster-LiveNation-Craigslist-SkyMall!

This new umbrella company—which will operate under a name whose syllables are unutterable by human tongue—will allow us to offer services that competing corporations in the digital media-Internet-television-wireless-mobile-goth-clothing-sphere just can’t muster. For just $247 per month, over the life of a 37-year contract, you can get our Octuple Play deal, which gets you a bundle of phone service, WiFi, cable, The News You Care About, our T-shirt cannon magazine, a subscription to Ashley Madison, thirty-five Hot Pockets (cheesesteak-filling), and a customized Hot Topic dog collar of your choosing on the 15th day of each month. And great news: That personal dog collar will always arrive on time, thanks to our recent merger with the United States Postal Service and its newly installed CEO, Lucas from the Venmo subway ads!

We hope you’ll agree that this new umbrella company—which will operate under a name that is just a blood-curdling scream emerging suddenly from out of a dense thicket—really shows the value of merging talent, ideas, products, and services together into one enormous, unregulatable mushroom cloud of Business.

Thank you for being a reader, and we look forward to many more great years, and thousands of unexpected mergers, in the future!

Follow Jason on Twitter. We welcome your comments at ideas@qz.com.

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