SERIOUSLY?

Chris Christie is not running for Prom King

“I am not running for president of the United States to be elected surrogate prom king,” Mr. Christie said in his speech at his former high school, where he wasn’t prom king but he was class president. –The New York Times

Chris Christie is not running for prom king. Let’s get that straight right off the bat. That’s not why Chris Christie is here, in his old high school gymnasium, where he wasn’t prom king, but he was class president.

Chris Christie wants to be the next President of the United States, and nothing else. His motivations have nothing to do with being prom king. He does not care for the adulation and respect of a bunch of high schoolers who are decades younger than him, even if they are convenient stand-ins for the high schoolers who failed to elect him Prom King 34 year s ago.

Chris Christie has bigger things on his mind. He wants to be President of the United States of America, and not the Prom King of some high school in New Jersey.

However: If Chris Christie were to be voted Prom King, he would not refuse the honor. Though he is not manning an active campaign for Prom King, he is not averse to receiving that accolade. Indeed, he would be foolish to reject the title of Prom King, should it be bestowed upon him.

No, Chris Christie is not running for Prom King. But if the students of his alma mater elect him as King of their annual Prom, he can promise that he would cherish the distinction. He would not take the honor lightly — not like that jerk Steve Pendleton, who Chris Christie thinks he remembers was maybe Prom King the year he graduated high school.

Perhaps you can already imagine Chris Christie—his hair gelled handsomely to one side, his face clean-shaven by a barber—as Prom King. Perhaps you can visualize Principal Stern up on the stage, announcing over the loudspeaker that Chris Christie has won the Prom King vote. “Who, me?” Chris Christie would say, genuinely astonished, looking all around him to ensure this was not a prank. “I can’t believe it!” he would shout, jogging up to receive his crown while giving out high-fives to the Livingston High School Class of 2016.

You can see it now, can’t you? Imagine, if you will, Chris Christie taking the delicate hand of his Prom Queen, the cheerleading captain Jessica Milch. A large circle would form around the duo, and then a spotlight would shine down on them for their ceremonial slow dance. Chris Christie would keep a respectful distance during this dance; he knows that Jessica and Billy Bergstrom have been going steady for almost two years, and Chris Christie would never do anything to come between Jessica and Billy. As “All My Life” by K-Ci and Jojo played, Chris Christie would give Billy a wink and then invite him to cut in for the remainder of the King-Queen Dance.

That’s just the kind of Prom King Chris Christie would be. “She’s all yours, buddy,” Chris Christie would say, patting Billy on the back. And then Chris Christie would join the students who elected him Prom King in the circle. A few of the students would nod in appreciation to Chris Christie for the selfless gesture. But Chris Christie, his Prom King crown atop his magnificent head, would just stick his hands in his tuxedo suit pockets and bask in the glow of Billy and Jessica’s true, true love. This is their moment, not his.

He wouldn’t be selfish about it—not like that conceited ass-hat Steve Pendleton who, despite being Prom King, has gone on to only modest success in the corporate world, and who has, by the way, been subject to state investigations every single year since Chris Christie was elected Governor of New Jersey. That’s what Chris Christie heard from his staff, anyway.

But, as I said, Chris Christie is not running for Prom King, and he hasn’t given a moment’s thought to such a scenario. By pure coincidence, however, Chris Christie will be in his hometown, where he attended high school, on the evening of next year’s annual prom, at a secret event that requires him to wear a tuxedo and pink carnation corsage, and to ride in the back of a stretch limousine. Maybe he could swing by the prom, just to check things out? While he is not busy campaigning for President, of course. Chris Christie has his priorities, after all. And those priorities do not include being elected Prom King.

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