Before Jurassic World hit theaters in June, it was already very likely to get a sequel. After it passed $1.5 billion at the box office—the third most of any movie ever—it all but guaranteed that we would be getting dinosaur sequels roughly every three years until we’re all dead. The first of these will soon be upon us: Universal announced on July 23 that it will release a sequel to Jurassic World on June 22, 2018. And yes, actor Chris Pratt will return to star in the film.
Which brings us to the question at hand: What, exactly, will this sequel be about? Have they not exhausted all possible plots involving dinosaurs breaking loose from their cages to devour us humans? One would assume that they have. But whenever a movie makes $1.5 billion, you can be sure the studio will tap into that well again, no matter how farcical the concept.
Here are a few ideas for Universal to consider. If any are used in the actual film, we expect a writing credit, at the very least.
In Jurassic World, Vic Hoskins (played by Vincent D’Onofrio), the head of InGen security, thinks velociraptors should be trained for military operations. A sequel could potentially see this idea put into action: The US organizes a special task force comprised of Navy SEALs and bloodthirsty dinosaurs to infiltrate ISIL strongholds in Iraq and Syria. (Boots—and claws—on the ground.) There is, perhaps, a halfway-decent drone analogy buried deep within this idea, but it seems rather difficult to extract convincingly.
Thus, this is an absolutely ridiculous idea that should never, ever be attempted. Which means it will eventually happen.
Civil War: Jurassic Style
Along the lines of Jurassic War, suppose that the ability to clone dinosaurs falls into the hands of some nefarious force, which subsequently wreaks havoc on ordinary citizens in, say, New York City. What’s the only way to combat an evil dino army? More dinosaurs, of course! The US government, backed by its NATO allies, sanctions the use of dinosaurs in order to stop whomever has unleashed the evil reptiles on the innocent public. And so goes the Great Dinosaur Civil War of 2018.
This is an equally preposterous idea that, we sincerely hope, does not cross any studio executive’s mind. It probably already has.
Planet of the Dinosaurs
Anyone who’s seen Planet of the Apes knows how this goes. Fast-forward to some indeterminate time in the future, when the Earth has been reclaimed by dinosaurs, which are (once again) the dominant species. Enter Chris Pratt, who has just woken from cryosleep. Naturally, the dinosaurs enslave Pratt. But here’s the twist: The dinosaurs then clone Pratt and open up their own theme park of Chris Pratt clones called Chris Pratt World. Everything is going swimmingly, as dinosaurs near and far travel to Chris Pratt World for their family vacations, until, as these things tend to go, one especially large and vicious Pratt clone breaks out of his habitat and lays waste to the park.
This is our favorite idea.
A city manager is brutally murdered. A highway patrolman, who also happens to be a dinosaur, finds his body, and starts an investigation into both the murder and the city’s longstanding corruption. Two other detectives, who both harbor dark secrets, and are also dinosaurs, assist in the investigation. Everyone on the internet tells you that they’re going to stop watching because it’s not very good, but they’re all liars.
A Few Good Dinosaurs
The year is 2040. Chris Pratt is an old, washed-up former dino-keeper who still maintains a herd (flock? swarm?) of velociraptors on his farm in rural Kansas. These are the only dinosaurs left on Earth, and he hides them from the government, whose agents come around every so often, suspicious of him. (Cue hilarious scene with raptor in old-lady clothes disguised as Pratt’s decrepit aunt.) But one night, his grandson throws a party at the farm. One of his friends—let’s call him Trevor—sneaks away from the party and finds the barn where Pratt keeps his dinos locked up. With his iPhone 15, Trevor takes a 3D video of the dinosaurs and puts it on the internet. SWAT teams descend on the Pratt farm and take the dinosaurs away.
Pratt goes to the only friend he has—Tom Cruise, a retired US Navy lawyer—to win back custody of his beloved dino-pets. Cruise agrees to represent Pratt pro bono, and what follows is a legal battle for the ages. In the end, Cruise helps the dinosaurs win their liberty, and Pratt builds his own dinosaur sanctuary for all future dinosaur descendants to frolic in peace and harmony till the end of days.
Until one of them breaks out.