TRUMPED

Here’s who didn’t make the cut to speak at the Republican National Convention

Obsession
2016
Obsession
2016

At long last, America’s Republican Party has announced the list of speakers that will appear at its convention in Cleveland, Ohio, this week. With support for Donald Trump thin among mainstream Republicans, the presumptive nominee had to get creative to fill the list. The final lineup includes soap opera stars, reality TV participants, and B-list athletes.

With such an unconventional roster, you may be wondering, “who didn’t make the cut?” We obtained a top-secret document from the Trump campaign that answers that very question—it shows all of the Trump camp’s suggested speakers who were not included in the final list. Here are the RNC rejects.

* * *

POSSIBLE SPEAKERS FOR 2016 REPUBLICAN NATIONAL CONVENTION

  1. Richard Nixon’s head
  2. A bottle of Trump Ice
  3. The Apprentice
  4. Grand Rapids, MI electrician Ronald Reagan
  5. Jeb Bush’s exclamation point
  6. Bernie Madoff
  7. Barry Goldwater (son of Barry Goldwater)
  8. Spokane, WA personal trainer George Washington
  9. Michael Sorrentino aka The Situation
  10. Scrooge McDuck
  11. The Duke brothers (from Trading Places)
  12. The Duke boys (from Dukes of Hazzard)
  13. Chris Christie*
  14. Darth Vader
  15. Howard Roark
  16. Barron Trump
  17. Corey Lewandowski
  18. Jon Voight
  19. Aaron Carter
  20. John McCain
  21. John McCain’s Vietnamese captors
  22. LeBron James’ cousin LaMichael James
  23. The entire cast of Duck Dynasty†
  24. Mike Tyson
  25. The police robot that bombed a sniper
  26. Roger Ailes
  27. A grizzly bear
  28. Joe the Drummer
  29. Tana Goertz
  30. A lock of Megyn Kelly’s hair
  31. Somebody Rodriguez or Gomez or was it Martinez
  32. Ann Coulter
  33. Don King
  34. One of Tiffany Trump’s Instagram followers
  35. Mitt Romney

*Since we obtained this list, the Trump campaign appears to have reconsidered, and added Christie back.
†We added this (and every entry) as parody, but upon consulting the actual RNC lineup, discovered that Willie Robertson of Duck Dynasty is in fact on the speaking list.

Read more from Quartz on the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

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