Wave after wave of disturbing Donald Trump news is taking a toll on Americans’ psyches. With each new day unearthing more terrible information about Trump’s past, it’s hard to imagine what could possibly come next. In an effort to save readers additional stress in the coming weeks, we’ve looked into our crystal ball to predict a list of all the shocking Trump news that will break between now and Election Day.
October 18: Multiple sources confirm that not only is there a direct tie between the Trump campaign and WikiLeaks, but that Trump himself has been known to edit several Wikipedia articles—most notably the pages titled “List of Non-Fake Billionaires” and “Average Human Hand Size.”
October 19: At the third and final presidential debate, Trump takes the Hillary Clinton camp by surprise when he tapes a “Kick Me” sign to his opponent’s back and simply points to it for his remaining 89 minutes onstage.
October 20: Trump’s poll numbers sink to a new low. Ted Cruz un-endorses Trump via text.
October 21: Following Tic Tac’s condemnation of Trump’s Access Hollywood comments, several other candies step forward to denounce the Republican nominee. Most notably, Mr. Goodbar calls Trump “a screaming orange Starburst.” Starburst threatens legal action.
October 22: Trump attempts to win back women voters by promising to take them all to a furniture store sometime. In unison, women say they’re busy that day.
October 23: Paul Manafort interrupts a live CNN broadcast by walking on-screen and announcing that he will now leave the Earth forever, but that he will live on in our hearts always.
October 24: Trump’s poll numbers rise very slightly. Ted Cruz re-endorses Trump over Skype.
October 25: The Trump campaign is devastated when several news outlets confirm that Bill Clinton is, in fact, a different person than Hillary Clinton.
October 26: Trump holds a press conference to announce that Sidney Blumenthal is responsible for Trump’s poor debate performances, every single racist thing Trump has ever said, and also Pearl Harbor.
October 27: Twelve women come forward and…wait, now 13 women come forward and… it’s 14 now? Okay so 14 women come forward and OH COME ON.
October 28: Trump brings Ken Bone on stage during a rally and just slaps him across the face for no reason.
October 29: Trump announces that no matter what happens on Election Day, he plans to launch a Trump TV network as early as January 2017. Some potential show titles include “The Media Is Totally Corrupt Except for This Specific Show,” “Please Don’t Google What I’m Saying,” and “The Apprentice 2: More Sexist, Somehow.”
October 30: Trump hosts his wildest rally to date, during which he claims that he only assaults 10s, he is a 10, 10 is the sexiest of all numbers, and that Paul Ryan could never be a 10 even if he started contouring.
October 31: A big screaming ghost flies out of Trump’s mouth while he’s doing an interview with Sean Hannity and Hannity doesn’t mention it at all.
November 1: The number of sexual assault allegations against Trump becomes so great that Reince Priebus holds a press conference to stop all the spin and finally discuss the heart of the matter, explaining once and for all why his parents named him Reince.
November 2: Trump’s poll numbers remain steady. Ted Cruz is unable to sleep, instead spending hours each night staring at himself in a cracked mirror.
November 3: Trump brings a big, mean dog onto Fox News and asks the dog who it’s going to vote for on November 8th. The dog barks out “Hillary Clinton” in Morse code. Trump then calls into Morning Joe while he’s still on Fox to claim that he’s never met the dog before, and that this dog doesn’t even know him.
November 4: Jimmy Fallon gently pushes Trump’s hair out of his eyes and asks what he’s thinking. Trump blushes and says, “Oh, you.”
November 5: Michael, a social media intern living in Jersey City, writes a killer tweet about Trump’s taxes that he thinks just might take down the entire GOP operation.
November 6: Trump announces that he has irrefutable evidence that he never assaulted women, which he will produce in song. He directs our attention to a barbershop quartet composed of Corey Lewandowski, Julian Assange, Roger Ailes, and Steve Bannon.
November 7: One of Trump’s ex-butlers gives a 60 Minutes interview and reveals nauseating personal details about the man he’s known for years, such as Trump’s infidelities, his sleazy business deals, and, most heinously of all, the fact that he legitimately enjoys Chris Christie’s friendship.
November 8: Overcome with anxiety as election results begin to pour in all over the nation, Trump breaks down crying and reveals, for the first time in his life, human—though still fundamentally selfish—vulnerability. His supporters are finally grossed out.
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