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PRESIDENTIAL FITNESS TEST

Signs that the US election is making you sick

By Thu-Huong Ha

In a few days, when we finally get to the end of a nasty presidential campaign, either Hillary Clinton or Donald Trump will be elected the next commander in chief of the United States.

Has that got you feeling down? Having trouble sleeping? Feeling extra worn out? Irritable? Tense?

You might have Electoral Cholera.

Electoral Cholera is a seasonal disease that affects millions of Americans every four years. It’s widespread, hard to diagnose, and exhibits a range of symptoms. Medical experts say the outbreak this year could be the worst in history, with new and worrying conditions appearing for the first time in 2016.

If you have any of these 25 symptoms, turn off the TV, silence your phone, and grab a thick stack of adult coloring books. If the symptoms persist, talk to your doctor about treatments for Electoral Cholera.

  1. Pre-traumatic stress disorder: Severe anxiety and preemptive flashbacks to grim Wednesday mornings in November
  2. Delusions of Canadeur: Hallucinations of a perfect life in Toronto, Vancouver, or even Winnipeg
  3. Heart-Bern: Intense longing for candidates not on the ballot. Recommended treatment: grow up and vote anyway
  4. Derision fatigue: Exhaustion from hating, feeling hated, and interacting with haters
  5. Rubber neck: Cramps in the neck and shoulders stemming from sharp movements to see if nearby noises come from actual, physical fights over political differences
  6. Daemon possession: Extreme form of insomnia, with sufferers lying awake at night fretting about unkind or embarassing things they’ve written in emails long ago
  7. Push noti-phobia: Fear of opening messages from friends and family containing election-related links bearing bad news. Also often accompanied by fear of social media feeds bringing news of disappointing early voting turnout in North Carolina
  8. Post-debasal drip: Feeling of loss, as if one’s country has permanently debased itself. See also: post-debatal drip
  9. Chronic Bo-stalgia: Weary wistfulness for the soon-to-be-former First Dog and his human family, the Obamas
  10. Electoral rhytides (also known as Rip van Wrinkles): Creases in the face from excessive frowning. Especially pronounced among those who yearn to move to a cave and sleep for 100 years until the election is over and everyone involved in it has died (unless Peter Thiel figures out how to end human aging)
  11. “Nasty” cold: Pseudo-scientific condition. Not real
  12. Urinary Trumpt infection: Burning sensation during urination, caused by overexposure to rally videos. May be accompanied by sudden and unexpected “grabbing” sensation in groin area
  13. Spatial unreasoning: Irrational yet meticulous planning and researching of a way to move to space for the next four-to-eight years
  14. Electile dysfunction: Inability to perform based on paralyzing paranoia and fear that you will let your partner—the country—down
  15. Partial loss of hearing: Ears only register sounds when other like-minded people are talking
  16. Tight-mares: Fever dreams about an election so close that the result won’t be known for days
  17. Trusmus (also known as debate-induced lockjaw): Temporary spasm that prevents the closing of the mouth, caused by shock in response to the telling of insults and untruths
  18. Pyroparanoia: Deep-seated notion that what the country really needs is a cleansing fire in order to rebuild, like Gotham
  19. Adoraholism: Addiction to cute photos of puppies, cats, and babies as a coping mechanism
  20. Brexistential angst: A complex condition with many symptoms, including the fear of huge drop in the dollar and preemptive shame at the country becoming a global laughingstock
  21. Bone-aphasia: A loss of news sense and judgment, reflected in ability to distinguish real news from satirical stories, and projection of unrealistic expectations on random citizens who turn out not to be perfect
  22. Irritable jowl syndrome: Stress-related soreness in the jaw from repeating the same talking points about the demographics of obscure Ohio and Pennsylvania counties over and over again
  23. Rage
  24. Anxiety
  25. Nausea