I just voted in the most toxic election of my lifetime, and I feel amazing. I skipped all the way to my local polling station, where I smiled at a woman who couldn’t pronounce my name. I took my sweet time filling out the ballot; my pencil was forced down upon the paper with a potency I usually reserve for driving tent stakes into the earth. It’s as though I just gave birth to the chubby electoral baby I’ve been carrying to term for however long I’ve been forced to know Ted Cruz exists.
And now that I’ve checked all the appropriate boxes and shared the necessary social media selfies, I can reward myself for completing my civic duty. Here are just a few of the ways I plan to reward myself for voting (who knows, you may want to try some out for yourself):
1. Finally closing the browser tab I’ve had open for 15 months on the Canadian immigration FAQ page.
2. Finding one of those Donald Trump piñatas and really going to town on it. And don’t worry: I’m not going to let any kids take a turn. I’m gonna hog the baseball bat all for myself.
3. Enjoying a piping-hot taco bowl from literally any restaurant other than the Trump Tower Grill.
4. Adopting a dog and naming it “Not the end of Western Democracy.” Giving that dog all the love it needs and then some. Hugging that dog through the night.
5. Pouring myself a Nasty Woman or two.
6. Canceling my Google Alert notifications for the keywords “end of the goddamn world.”
7. Allowing myself at least an hour to feel vaguely superior to all my friends.
9. Rockin’ out to this year’s hottest single.
10. Getting a tattoo that says “Corey Lewandowski” on my right arm just so I can revel in the pleasure of a lengthy tattoo removal procedure performed later that same day.
11. Booking a ticket for an international flight that lasts at least as long as it will take for final election results to be tallied. Watching Alvin and the Chipmunks 2: The Squeakquel on the plane. Eating some food from a little tray. Asking for a full can of ginger ale.
12. Losing myself in a daydream about how incredibly sexy Nate Silver’s spreadsheets are going to look once the exit poll data rolls in.
13. Checking my email with the calm assurance of a man who will never have his inbox reviewed by the FBI, WikiLeaks, and every single person in the world.
14. Going to a used book store, buying a copy of The Art of the Deal, and throwing it into the blades of one of those huge industrial fans.
15a. Never, ever, ever thinking about this election again.