Hi Mr. Zuckerberg, this is Bradley from Campaign Associates, the firm your team hired to help you look into a presidential run. We’ve been working hard on making Zuckerberg 2020 a reality.
I wanted to update you with the most recent list of tasks still to be completed, which together we think will give you the best possible shot at presidential victory. There’s a lot to do still! But everything is progressing nicely so far.
[X]Hire top Democratic campaign manager. Good pickup with former Obama man David Plouffe. [X]Promise to visit all 50 states. We are very enthusiastic about your personal challenge this year. [ ] Visit all 50 states. [ ] Turn 35. The age requirements are different for billionaires than they are for presidents! Luckily you’ll hit 35 in May 2019, just in time for the campaign. [X] Hire top Republican campaign manager. Having Kenneth Mehlman join your public policy board is a great decision. [ ] Become less awkward. The recent video showing off your custom-built home AI was impressive technically, but… we’ll have to work on approachability and stage presence. [X]Donate lots and lots of money. You have plenty, and this will be great for your image. [X]Find religion. [ ] Develop a political platform and policy ideas. (This doesn’t need to happen right away.) [ ] Wear suits more often. There is a certain charm to the nerd-in-a-hoodie vibe, but it does not have the mass appeal of a suit and tie. [ ] Prevent Winklevoss twins from causing any problems. Not sure what they might do; just covering all our bases. [X]Take control of largest real and fake news dissemination platform in human history.
That’s it! Really excited to move this forward. We’ll be sure to add anything else we think of as we approach campaign season.
Let me just say too that our initial surveys show you performing very well against president-elect Donald Trump, who is setting us up with a helpful precedent: He, like you, is an entrepreneur with no political experience.
Senior Campaign Associate