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The rules of strategic golf to advance US interests

Donald Trump holds a golf club
Reuters/David Moir/File Photo
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“[Sean] Spicer says Trump golfing different from Obama golfing because of “how you use the game of golf” to advance US interests” – White House Daily Briefing, Mar. 21, 2017

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The rules of strategic golf to advance US interests are similar to the rules of regular golf, except that several exceptions are made for actions or plays that advance the American political agenda.

Assume all rules of regular golf while also observing the following rules when taking to the golf course with The President:

  1. If The President’s tee shot hits a tree, he may move it for a better lie. Why? Because tree-tees are in America’s best interests
  2. No player shall remove stones, pebbles, or twigs for the sake of a better shot, unless they first declare a job-killing government regulation to repeal
  3. Instead of yelling “Fore!,” a strategic golfer will yell “Radical Islamic Terrorism!”
  4. The previous President was too afraid to yell “Radical Islamic Terrorism!” when he golfed.
  5. This President shall shout “Radical Islamic Terrorism!” not only on drives, but when he sinks a long putt or when he successfully pitches out of the rough
  6. If a ball lands in the Sand, a player shall consider the ways that an oil pipeline could be built in that sand
  7. Players shall remain quiet as another player takes his turn, with one exception: The President may sneak up behind any Congressman mid-shot and whisper “I will come after you.”
  8. If The President’s partner is a foreign leader, he may whisper “NATO is, like, so bad.”
  9. The President shall not be required to share the results of his scorecard; consider his scorecard to be under a permanent audit by the IRS
  10. If a ball lands in the water, The President may revoke his penalty stroke, and instead tell a 25 minute story about how he went aboard a naval carrier, and the Navy guys gifted him a Navy hat
  11. There shall be no beverage or refreshments cart, as The President remains firmly opposed to Meals on Wheels
  12. The President shall drive his golf cart wherever he wants, including the putting green, to remind his playing partners of the ridiculous environmental mandates of the EPA
  13. If a player slices or hooks a drive, The President shall be required to shout, “I call that a NAFTA shot, because that baby was an unmitigated disaster!!!”
  14. A standard Strategic Golf bag shall include Irons, Woods, Wedges, a Putter, a Semi-Automatic Machine Gun, a Bucket of KFC Chicken, and an AM radio tuned to The Alex Jones Show so that The President may golf while simultaneously receiving his intelligence briefing
  15. Instead of a golf cart, the golfers may pay respects to the troops by traversing the course in an American-made M1 Abrams tank
  16. When any player has a short, easy putt, all players shall grip the putter at once, and lock eyes, and chant “Fine-tuned machine, fine-tuned machine” as they tap the ball into the hole
  17. If the players miss the easy shot, the Press Secretary shall explain it was due to Chuck Schumer’s obstructionism
  18. When lining up a shot, The President may casually observe: “I am being very, very careful—just like we should be with the Cyber.”
  19. The other players shall respond in unison, “Yes, the Cyber is very complicated.”
  20. At the conclusion of the 18th hole, the players shall shake hands and agree that the golf was very strategic and that it advanced US interests and the real winner of the day was America.
  21. If the game did not advance US interests far enough, the players shall agree to meet the next weekend at Mar-a-Lago to play another round of strategic golf.
  22. It is important that The President constantly play golf, in order to advance US interests each Saturday, Sunday, and also Summer Fridays and Mondays
  23. If at any time it seems The President’s golfing is not advancing US interests, remember Rule 17:
  24. Anything The President does on the golf course is, by definition, advancing US interests

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