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FALLING PIANO

33 ways to kill off an accused sexual predator from your TV show

By Adam Epstein & Jean-Luc Bouchard

The producers of The Ranch have written Danny Masterson out of the comedy series amid a police investigation into allegations that he raped four women, Netflix announced today. The news comes just a day after Netflix content boss Ted Sarandos confirmed that House of Cards will continue for one season without actor Kevin Spacey, who was fired following multiple sexual misconduct allegations. And last month, Jeffrey Tambor left Amazon’s Transparent after being accused of sexual harassment.

Masterson, Spacey, and Tambor almost certainly won’t be the last, so more Hollywood producers will have to decide how to proceed when their stars are accused of abuse. Do you cancel the show (or film) outright? Pretend as if nothing happened and hope no one will notice? (Hopefully not this.) Or, most likely, do you try to figure out a way to continue production without him?

We have some suggestions for the last one.

Writing someone out of a show or film franchise is surprisingly easy, and it doesn’t always require that an actor be accused of a crime. But it’s easier for the audience when the actor has allegedly done something to deserve a spontaneous fictional death.

To that end, here are 33 simple ways a TV show can kill off an alleged sexual abuser:

  1. Drop a piano on him
  2. Push him down an elevator shaft
  3. Run him over with a zamboni
  4. He drops his ice cream cone while driving and crashes
  5. Launch him into the sun
  6. Sacrifice him in a satanic ritual
  7. He’s fatally attacked by a flock of peacocks
  8. He’s crushed by a giant stack of newspapers
  9. He overdoses on carrot juice
  10. He’s eaten by werewolves
  11. He suffocates on his own unkempt beard
  12. Handcuff him to a Komodo dragon
  13. Send him into the Hunger Games with no supplies
  14. Force him to read a Dinesh D’Souza book
  15. Make up an incurable disease with a 100% immediate fatality rate
  16. He dies of exhaustion during a 72-hour porn binge
  17. Sell the rights to his character to George R.R. Martin
  18. He falls off a high ledge after being hit by a t-shirt canon
  19. Upload his consciousness to The Sims and fry him in the virtual sauna
  20. His organs are harvested by a doomsday cult
  21. He’s collateral damage during Superman’s battle with Zod in Man of Steel
  22. He walks into an open manhole cover and falls into the Keebler Elf world
  23. Never explain his absence and aggressively interrogate anyone who brings it up
  24. He’s scared to death by watching David S. Pumpkins
  25. Trap him in the Upside Down and force him to spend eternity with emo Eleven and her merry band of walking 1980s punk rock clichés
  26. He eats a peach and the peach has a sticker on it that says “moral responsibility” and the peach explodes
  27. His TV wife proclaims, “He died, or something,” as the audience applauds and everyone accepts divided portions of his salary
  28. He travels back in time and joins Heaven’s Gate on March 27, 1997
  29. He buys a big mean dog and the dog keeps biting him as everyone just stands at the edge of the room watching
  30. He steps out into the street and is crushed between two buses filled with fresh-faced actors ready to take his place
  31. He goes on a soul-searching journey into the desert and a sandstorm blows him directly into a cactus
  32. He goes to work with two different shoes on and dies of embarrassment
  33. He reads Franz Kafka’s The Metamorphosis before bed and when he wakes he’s been transformed into a female lead with a passionate fan base and a fully developed backstory