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LORD OF ARCHINGTON

Advice for a royal parent of an Archie—from a peasant parent of an Archie

By Susan Howson

Meghan and Harry, congrats on your tiny new Archie! I had one of those too, as you may have seen via my own—admittedly self-published—media frenzy seven years ago. Here are some of the questions you’ll be asked, even though I’m sure our responses would be different considering that my Archie is not powered by royal blood.

“Is it short for Archibald?”

My answer: No, it is not, although that makes perfect sense that you’d ask that since it is the traditional raw material from which Archie is honed. But I felt that was too much to saddle a tiny baby with.

Your answer: The name is literally all over the news. Please perform a split-second peek at your phone and you, too, can have this knowledge.

“Are you a fan of Archie comics and/or the TV show Riverdale?”

My answer: Not particularly! His dad wanted “Clancy” and I just stared open-mouthed until he said “What about Archie?” I do, however, regret the choice a little because I want to get a dog named Betty and now it’ll just seem like I do everything by a theme.

Your answer: Yes, we are big fans of the redheaded troublemaker and his de facto monarchy over the town of Riverdale. It is all anyone talks about at the palace.

“What if he grows up to be a senator or something?”

My answer (to this actual question from my mother, who felt the name would not be taken seriously): Kids today have all sorts of messed-up names that sound a lot more cutesy than this one. His generation will absolutely go back to naming babies Joans and Lindas and Bills to get away from it all. It is understandable, mom, that you’d automatically put him in Congress—he’s a white male, after all—but don’t worry, I’m not raising some kid who crumples when a campaign opponent makes fun of his name.

Your answer: He cannot be a senator. He will be a lord or earl or something over here.

“Can I call him Arch?”

My answer: I’d rather you didn’t, if you don’t mind. 

Your answer: I would like to see you try.

“Are you prepared to teach him to keep his head on a swivel to make sure that whoever ends up being one rung further down on the ladder of succession doesn’t embark on an ascent to glory by knocking everyone else off, starting with him?”

My answer: Yes!

Your answer: Yes!