36 things that do not cause rape in India (or anywhere)

On Friday, Dec. 5, a woman said she was raped by her Uber cab driver in Delhi. After a quick investigation on what Uber was, Delhi government officials proceeded to tackle the problem in the most effective way: by banning Uber.

Because no Uber, no rape.

(But then again: no women, no rape.)

Indian officials are always very quick to point out the causes behind the disconcerting number of rapes that happens in the country, but misplace the blame: here are several of their theories, in a running list that our readers are welcome to help us expand.

So, for the benefit of Indian officials everywhere, below is a list of things that do not cause rape.

1. Uber does not cause rape.
2. Chow mein does not cause rape.
3. Non vegetarian food does not cause rape.
4. Zodiac signs do not cause rape.
5. Lack of entertainment options does not cause rape.
6. Mobile phones do not cause rape.
7. Western clothes do not cause rape.
8. Item numbers in movies (I.e., featured musical numbers) do not cause rape.
9. Watching movies with a friend does not cause rape. Not even at night. Not even if the friend is male.
10. Taking buses does not cause rape. Not even at night. Not even with a male friend.
11. Working outside the home does not cause rape.
12. Job at call centers do not cause rape.
13. Bikinis do not cause rape.
14. Being a grown-up woman does not cause rape.
15. Not following Indian traditions does not cause rape.
16. Drinking alcohol does not cause rape.
17. Wearing skirts does not cause rape. Not even wearing short ones.
18. Sex education does not cause rape.
19. Pubs do not cause rape.
20. Friendship with boys does not cause rape.
21. Being sexually active does not cause rape.
22. Reporting rape does not cause rape.
23. Going out at night does not cause rape.
24. Dancing at weddings does not cause rape.
25. Not calling your rapist “brother” does not cause rape.
26. Not wearing overcoats does not cause rape.
27. Being attractive does not cause rape.
28. Wearing makeup does not cause rape.
29. Bad stars do not cause rape.
30. Being married does not cause marital rape.
31. Pushing your limits does not cause rape.
32. Resisting rape does not cause rape.
33. Not enjoying rape does not cause rape.
34. Co-education does not cause rape.
35. Small talk does not cause rape.
36. Having an abusive husband does not cause rape.