14 texts that every guy has sent at least once

Texts are more important than driving.
Texts are more important than driving.
Image: AP / LM Otero
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1. U up? On the surface world, walking around in the harsh wind under an unrelenting sun?

2. Come over… to my nest at the bottom of a shaft. The shaft is dark and my nest is damp. All I smell is zinc.

3. What r u wearing? Is it the thick fur of a slain beast, its claws hung proudly from your neck?

4. My only friend is a dog I made out of brooms

5. How was ur day? I’ve never been outside

6. I wish u were here right now, because I cannot fight off this terror alone

7. Sup? I am typing this from my Chemical Purity Bath

8. Hey :) I was a person like you once

9. Sorry I missed your last text. My phone vibrated and it surprised me and I dropped my bowl of Hot Protein Juice all over my jumpsuit   

10. I beg of you not to stare at my horrible rodent face

11. U seem really cool, but I know the outside world is hot and full of screams 

12. Are you from around here? I was born in a great dark pit cut into the flesh of the earth, perfectly round and glistening with ghoulish treasures 

13. Send pics… of the outside, for I long to see what it looks like but am afraid to leave the safety of my hole

14. And then what ;)