The go-to sexual harassment apology for 2017

It has come to my attention that some of my actions from a long time ago may have hurt some of you. Specifically, they may have hurt those of you who are overly sensitive.

To those people, I say: Sorry that you are so upset for some reason.

It has never once occurred to me that things I do might affect people negatively. I assumed that everything I did was golden, or made people want to kiss me. I therefore find it hard to believe that I did something bad in the past. And unfortunately, any event that took place prior to last week is impossible for me to accurately recall unless I am in the mood to recall it. 

I am humbled by your accusations, and by “humbled” I mean that I will do everything in my power to ignore them for the sake of my career. I believe that my successes are larger than my failures, and they will live on well past my death. I don’t usually use the word “ashamed”—mostly because I have never, ever felt ashamed of my actions—but I will do so now, in order to extinguish a news cycle that, for once, is calling me out for my bad behavior.

Let’s not forget that I’m a product of my generation. When I was a kid, the world was really sexist and unfair. And now? It’s still sexist and unfair, but that benefits me as a man in a position of power. Do you see what kind of dilemma I’m in?

My biggest fear is that this investigation into my past devolves into a witch hunt. That’s right—by never experiencing any form of oppression and opposition, I’m privileged enough to have a sexual harassment witch hunt be my biggest fear. It’s extremely jarring to suddenly learn that I need to consider the value of human life that isn’t my own, even when it is female.

Have I given you enough usable sound bites? Let me toss out a few more before wrapping up: If I hurt anyone, I regret my actions. I have a lot to think about. There’s a lot to consider here. This is a very sensitive subject. I have been a champion of women my entire life.

Sound good? Thanks. I’ll see you in a few months, when the number of other men accused reaches a breaking point and you forget I was ever in the mix.