This made Australia the first country in the Southern Hemisphere to win gold at the Winter Olympics. (We also scored another gold that year: Alisa Camplin won the aerials event—on pure merit, however.) By comparison, at the following Summer Olympics in 2004, Australia won 49 medals, including 17 gold.

So, of course I never took the Winter Olympics seriously: The Southern Hemisphere just doesn’t have the star power, the national appetite, or, quite simply, the snow. But now that I live in New York, a city where people can snowboard down suburban streets, I’m realizing that the Winter Olympics are not the lesser Olympics. In fact—they might even be the better ones.

But here’s the thing: I still don’t really understand what’s going on, and I bet many others who originated south of the equator don’t, either. To get us through the Pyeongchang games with the grace of a triple axel, here is a handy Quartz translation guide of the main sports in the Winter Olympics, explained using Summer Olympics events:

Winter Olympics sports, defrosted

Figure skating: Rhythmic gymnastics on ice, except with better falls and more severed fingers.

Ice hockey: Field hockey on ice, expect everyone beats each other up.

Curling: Archery on ice, except with a 44 lb granite stone.

Snowboarding: Equestrian on snow, except your horse travels 50 mph.

Speed skating: Ussain Bolt and Asafa Powell on ice.

Short-track speed skating: The entire Jamaican track team on ice.

Bobsled: Rowing in a canoe, except the river is a deathly ice luge.

Luge: Diving, except feet-first down a deathly ice luge.

Skeleton: Diving, except head-first down a deathly ice luge.

Ski jumping: Long jump, except you leap 250 meters—across a mountain.

Freestyle skiing: BMX cycling with even better airtime.

Alpine skiing: Track cycling with even tighter turns.

Cross-country skiing: Mountain biking with even tighter onesies.

Biathlon: Cross-country skiing WITH GUNS.

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