Sometimes, I feel life as a woman in the 21st century has gone from struggling against endless systemic obstacles to struggling to keep up with online articles about ways to surmount such obstacles.
Gone are the days when the recipe for a woman’s happiness was a simple matter of changing into the right body shape and getting rid of skin imperfections. Now the internet of female improvement says happiness is something that’s achieved by being confident, demanding, entrepreneurial, and daring while quietly combating body issues and blemishes and, after all that, somehow still embracing your flaws.
Empowerment is exhausting, and also very confusing.
A quick Google search for “How women” yields 3.8 billion results ranging from “how women entrepreneurs should prepare to sell a business” to “how women rise: break 12 habits holding you back” to “how women can promote—and develop—their personal brand.”
Who has the time for all that advice? What women need is a one-stop role model to show them the path to greater things.
And that role model is Donald Trump.
The US president’s rise from Twitter troll to most powerful person in the world was not an accident. It was the natural result of a life lived according to some of the most important principles of self-help and personal improvement. Here’s how it works:
Rule 1: Be the best
Trump is a visionary, when it comes to himself.
Are you a loud, inarticulate public figure? Don’t limit yourself to thinking you might be presidential. Think of yourself as the most presidential person in US history (after Lincoln). Did you win a national election despite losing the popular vote? Don’t hope you will have a good crowd at your inauguration. Know that you’ll have the biggest crowd, and when people show you photos of bigger crowds, stick to your convictions.
If people question your decisions, let them know you are a genius. Because those people aren’t the best.
You are the best.
Rule 2: Go low
Expectations are a dangerous, unfair thing. Women are expected to be agreeable and are called nasty when they disagree. Men are just opinionated.
Flip the script and follow Trump’s example: Use word salads and rambling tweets, and speaking in logical sentences will be enough for you to receive praise. If you never try to impress, people will call you articulate and presidential the one time you do. If you are consistently cold and aggressive, commentators will highlight your “soft spot for children” if you call them “beautiful” once or twice.
Remember: You don’t need to do anything well to be the best, you already are the best. (See Rule 1).
Rule 3: Blame others
Women often make the mistake of blaming themselves for mistakes even when they are not responsible. This is the opposite of what you should do.
Always. Blame. Someone. Else.
Lost the popular vote? Blame illegal voters. The government agenda is stalled even though your party controls Congress? Blame Democrats. Soldiers die unnecessarily on your watch? Blame their life choices.
Rule 4: Never apologize
You must have heard that women say “sorry” too much. That is why they are not winning—apologies don’t lead to victory.
Trump never gets caught apologizing for anything—he will only be caught winning. Trump won’t apologize for saying that you can grab women “by the pussy,” for insulting disabled people and sitting senators, or even for calling poor nations “shithole countries.”
Rule 5: Admit no mistake
Everyone makes mistakes sometimes, right?
Wrong.
To win, it is of paramount importance to remind people, and yourself, of your infallibility. Did you fat-finger the word “covfefe” on Twitter? Double down and send out a minion saying “covfefe” is exactly what you meant. Did you jump the gun and order a commemorative coin made for a historic meeting that didn’t end up happening? Sell it anyway, say it was meant to celebrate peace, not just a meeting.
Rule 5: Take credit
Women can have a hard time celebrating their accomplishments, a limiting attitude that should be dropped instantly in favor of the president’s approach: Celebrate your accomplishments—and everyone else’s.
Job growth before Trump passed any laws? His success. A successful Korean Winter Olympics? All him. No commercial airplane crashed in 2017? Definitely the president.
It’s a simple approach, and should you ever question that it works, or be tempted to resume your female habits, ask yourself this: Who is the president, Donald Trump or a woman?
Exactly.