Soft Brexit, hard Brexit, no-deal Brexit, “blindfold Brexit,” “red, white, and blue Brexit.” The past two years of Brexit negotiations have been sillier than a Dr Seuss book, and considerably slower at getting to the point.
The sluggish pace of Britain’s Brexit negotiations have bored the British people—and the eurocrats in Brussels—almost to tears. The past few weeks have seen votes and revotes, noes and more noes, promises and equivocations, topping two miasmic years of turmoil as the UK negotiates its departure from the European Union.
Was it worth it? That “remains” to be seen. And the voting isn’t over yet: the weeks to come may feature everything from parliamentary amendments and government motions to a possible second referendum or even a general election.
Is there a better way? Something speedier and, perhaps, more fun? Here are 23 alternative ways to figure out what kind of Brexit (if any) the British parliament can agree on. Winner takes all!
- Rock, paper, scissors
- Strip poker
- Arm wrestling (don’t scoff: airline Southwest Airlines once settled a legal dispute this way)
- A capella riff-off, Pitch Perfect-style
- Gloucester cheese-rolling
- Drawing straws (British MPs have done it before)
- Coin flip
- Thumb war
- Hide parliament’s ceremonial mace and whoever finds it first, wins!
- Great British Bake-Off showstopper challenge, in which politicians make a culinary representation of the best Brexit—substance and style count. No soggy bottoms, please
- “Lip-sync for your life,” à la RuPaul’s Drag Race, to God Save the Queen. Points awarded for general pizzazz, commitment to the performance, and remembering the words to the tricky later verses
- Project Runway-style challenge: Design an outfit for Speaker John Bercow with materials limited to EU and UK flags, the EU’s Lisbon Treaty, and Brexit Day buttons
- X Factor-style red button rejections, judged by Simon Cowell, Jean-Claude Juncker, and Angela Merkel
- Survivor challenge filmed, of course, on Britain’s Scilly Isles
- Bachelor-style competition where MPs woo EU Council president Donald Tusk in hopes of getting a rose
- Dragons’ Den/Shark Tank-style pitch of Brexit vision by nervous, ill-prepared MPs with sketchy plans
- Amazing Race-style scavenger hunt where MPs must travel the world in search of trade deals
- Game of Thrones-style open warfare: Only one MP can sit on the
iron thronefront bench. According to economic forecasts, winter is coming
- Some kind of drinking game—last person standing gets to decide everything before they sober up
- Mob rule