General David Petraeus—as in, that David Petraeus—has a cameo role in the highly-anticipated video game Call of Duty: Black Ops 2. The timing couldn’t have been better if the devil had planned it himself: the game was released Nov. 13, just four days after Petraeus resigned from his post as CIA head over an increasingly complicated sex scandal involving his biographer Paula Broadwell, General John R. Allen and a thick cauldron of characters. In the video game, he’s secretary of defense. Ouch! Since that probably will never happen in real life now.
An unnamed rep from Activision told gamer site Kotaku that Petraeus was not involved in the making of the game.
But as many of Petraeus’ defenders have pointed out, what does his personal life have to do with his ability to lead the NATO forces, or his expertise on drone warfare? At least the gaming world won’t judge him.
Without further ado, here is the transcript of fake Petraeus’ first scene in Call of Duty: Black Ops 2, worthy of the binary code Oscars:
Scene: An airstrip.
Enter Secretary Petraeus and an unnamed admiral.
Admiral somebody: I have 1,000 drones at standby alert ready to launch at my command. If Russia or or SDC gets any bright ideas, make no mistake Secretary Petraeus, your armed forces are ready.
Secretary Petraeus: The last order to Defcon 3 was given by Secretary Rumsfeld over 25 years ago [This is gamespeak for, do the math, it’s now 2025.]
Petraeus and Admiral look warmly at each other. One of them is either going to say, “Kiss me, you fool,” or…
Admiral: I know. I flew a patrol myself that day.
Enter a guy who steps off the plane in an orange prison jumpsuit. We later discover his name is Mendez. He is escorted by a soldier.
Petraeus: President Bosworth sends her regards. [In later scenes, we learn that President Bosworth has a very strong Chicago accent.]
Mendez: Have those souls who have toiled and rot docked with me? Some work of noble may yet be done [At least, that’s what it sounded like. This part is somewhat unintelligible because the character is mumbling. How do gamers have patience for that?]
Admiral: Get this cocksucker off my flight deck. [Since I couldn’t hear what Mendez said, I cannot judge whether this epithet is merited.]
Unnamed soldier: Gladly, sir.
Petraeus: We got him!
Exeunt all.