James Bond lacks the “emotional intelligence” to get a job as a real-life spy

Try, try, try again.
Try, try, try again.
Image: Reuters/Stefan Wermuth
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Britain’s Secret Intelligent Service, the spy agency better known as MI6, has launched its latest recruitment campaign looking for people with “emotional intelligence” just as the new James Bond film, Spectre, is released. But it turns out its most famous son wouldn’t make the cut.

A MI6 source tells Buzzfeed: “They want people with a real passion for human interaction, understanding others, and dealing with the sometimes complex nature of human relationships.” Loners like Bond would “probably not be successful in joining SIS, if he were to apply.”

British agents have always insisted that the world of 007 is pure fantasy. Anna, an MI6 agent, told the BBC: “If James Bond actually worked in MI6 today, he’d spend a large amount of time behind a desk doing paperwork and making sure everything was properly cleared and authorized.”

Another MI6 agent, Kamal, dismissed the idea that anyone in the agency has a license to kill; agents rarely carry firearms. “We are an organization that revels in subtlety and the methods 007 employs—crash banging across cities in both hemispheres—is entirely misleading,” Kamal told The Telegraph. “We seek to operate in the shadows and we don’t like to draw attention to ourselves.”

The British spying agency is also keen to diversify its workforce to better deal with more modern threats posed by terrorist groups. So who is the MI6 looking for? Possibly your mom. MI6 has recently started advertising for intelligence officers on the parenting website, Mumsnet.

For those who are interested in applying, be prepared (paywall) for silent, discreet working days where you’re “waiting around endlessly in strange places.”