All the things Julian Assange is doing now that Ecuador disconnected his internet

Yes, you.
Yes, you.
Image: Reuters/Toby Melville
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With the government of Ecuador cutting off Julian Assange’s internet access this week, the WikiLeaks editor-in-chief suddenly has a lot of free time on his hands. Ecuador has “temporarily restricted“ Assange’s wifi at its embassy in Britain—where Assange has been seeking diplomatic refuge since 2012—after Wikileaks released a series of hacked documents from Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton’s campaign.

Ecuador claimed Assange should not be trying to influence the upcoming US presidential election. In a statement, Ecuador’s Foreign Ministry said “The government of Ecuador respects the principles of nonintervention in the affairs of other nations, does not meddle in electoral campaigns nor support any candidate in particular.”

So without scandals to break and elections to mess with, here’s what Assange might be doing with his time:

  1. Finally finishing Infinite Jest
  1. Raising the shades of his window for the first time in four years
  2. Opening the adult coloring book his cousin sent him last Christmas
  3. Listening to Disc 2 of James Patterson’s Four Blind Mice audiobook
  4. Using an abacus to count how many countries hate him now
  5. Taping utensils together to see if he can invent a new utensil
  6. Puppet show
  7. Seeing if he can still recite the opening stanzas of Sylvia Plath’s “Lady Lazarus” from memory
  8. Realizing how strong his Australian accent still is
  9. Attempting a Scottish accent, and failing
  10. Attempting a South-African accent, and doing a little better
  11. Coming up with words that rhyme with “UNWGAD”
  12. Making a really tasty sandwich
  13. Licking his hands and trying to climb the walls like Spider-Man
  14. Wondering what Putin is doing right now
  15. Making a paperclip chain in the shape of the Cassiopeia constellation
  16. Suddenly realizing what “snitches get stitches” meant all those years ago in high school
  17. Mastering the “dab”
  18. Teaching himself the first eight bars of Goo Goo Dolls’ “Slide” on guitar
  19. Nailing the double windsor knot
  20. Writing a spec script for Mr. Robot
  21. Mentally telepathizing with Elon Musk about his ideas for Mars
  22. This
  23. Calling his mom on a landline
  24. Hanging up
  25. Arranging his collection of awards in height order
  26. Writing a postcard to Trump that only says, “Don’t call her ugly on camera”
  27. Eating just a ton of biscuits
  28. Trying to decide what everyone was “turning down” for
  29. Getting a papercut, and watching it bleed
  30. Lego Millenium Falcon
  31. Whistling the bridge to “99 Luftballons”
  32. Crying into his Cry Jar and shutting the lid tight afterward
  33. Silently considering his own existence
  34. Hitting his laptop over and over and over again as tears stream down his face