On International Men’s Day, it’s finally all about the patriarchy again

Saturday, Nov. 19, is International Men’s Day. In honor of men everywhere, we should take this time to remember how important they are to society. On this sacred day, we must acknowledge men’s capacity for greatness, which extends to so, so many aspects of their lives. Here are just a few of the many great things about men.

• Men’s voices are just right—never shrill, never loud
• Men look perfect without makeup
• Men also look perfect in comfortable and practical shoes
• Men don’t wear pantsuits; men wear suits
• Men are naturally comfortable in the temperature provided by office air-conditioning
• Men have had every original and great idea in the history of time
• Men’s ideas are important (see above), so men can interrupt women without consequence
• Men are 127% as deserving of professional compensation as women
• Men win all of the most prestigious awards
• Men are the CEOs of most of the companies in the world
• Men never have to apologize
• Men can explain things to women (thank you, men!)
• Men can speak up
• Men lean in
• Men valiantly take on decisions about women’s bodies
• Men are too busy for birth control
• Men never wait in line for the bathroom
• Men are the head of the household
• Men are the breadwinners
• Men’s emotions are always reasonable and justified
• Men are safe everywhere
• Men can take up as much space as they want
• All presidents are men

Remember, International Men’s Day is actually not subject to the international date line, so you can live in International Men’s Day forever if you travel west fast enough, or if you stay right where you are.