Why aren’t baby boomers eating pho?

That you despise me, old man, is a travesty.
That you despise me, old man, is a travesty.
Image: AP Photo/Larry Crowe
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Why Aren’t Millennials Buying Diamonds? — The Economist

Why Aren’t Millenials Eating Cereal? — Global News

Why Aren’t Millennials Saving Money? — The Atlantic

Why Don’t Young People Like Bar Soap? — CNN

Why Aren’t Millennials Playing Golf? — Crave

Why Millennials Just Aren’t That Into McDonalds — Yahoo

For most normal humans it seems nothing in the world would be as natural and pleasurable as eating pho. And yet, for baby boomers, it seems a totally foreign experience.

Studies show that Baby Boomers aren’t eating pho. Questions directed to them on their habits yielded answers like, “are you pronouncing that correctly?” and “I have no idea what that is” and “why can’t we just have a nice Christmas, for once?” Their concerns about the holiday season aside — is their non-pho preference because they’re xenophobic? Is this just another piece of proof that baby boomers are an embarrassment? Is it because they’re lazy and entitled? Probably, but let’s look deeper at this lost generation.

Oona, a 26 year old, sheds light on the problem explaining that, “baby boomers love destroying things, whether it’s local Vietnamese soup shops, the economy, or the housing market.”

When asked how she thought Baby Boomers might respond to delicacies, she replied, “They would probably be less inclined to opt for a broth based soup and more inclined to hurl the bowl against the wall while claiming that America must be made great again. By that, they mean having America revert to a time where they would not be called racist for owning actual slaves.”

Unpredictable though this incomprehensible tribe that some of us share houses with are, they do eat. This is a group of people who, bafflingly, always seem to have seven cans of pumpkin pie filling in their cabinets at any given time. Many of them are accustomed to “lean cuisines” or “TV dinners” which are flash frozen and microwavable. The baby boomer delicacies have the consistency of lukewarm marmalade, or, to use an example of a food most people would have actually heard of, Blue Adaptogen Protein.

Their decidedly un-hygge reluctance to partake in comforting, clear-brothed Vietnamese soups most likely stems from the generation’s reckless spending habits — many bought homes in their early 20s. Some even claim they have owned upwards of seven cars over the course of their lifetimes. Unbelievably, many have never ridden a bicycle post-childhood.

We have found one thing that they love: plastic. Many love it so much they use it in lieu of mason jars claiming that mason jars “look stupid” or “are hard to clean” or “why are you buying garbage?” Their love of plastic is just another blow against their old foe: the Earth.

Asked whether his generation is either too lazy or too stupid to like exactly the same things people 50 years different in age like, Karl, 71 replied, “Don’t you think that different generations might enjoy slightly different things?”

Karl died shortly before the publishing of this article.

So, perhaps it is impossible to tap into the vast earning power of this generation. With one exception, in which their spending habits are reassuringly sane: Everything really does sound better on vinyl.