The craziest listings on Facebook Marketplace

Where to begin with this listing for a “Rare Lifesize Minion.” What it means, exactly, for a fictional character to be “life-size” is up for debate, but there’s no question that this is an unusual find. Kevin here isn’t the only Minions merchandise I’ve seen on Marketplace, but he is the most extravagant.

I’ve stared at this for a while now trying to decide what my favorite thing about this post is. At first, I think it was the obscene $6,500 price tag, or maybe the fact that the seller is willing to negotiate, but only “AT A REASONABLE OFFER?” (What would a reasonable offer even be?) Of course, there’s also the fact that this Minion “has a real jean,” which I assume means his overalls are real denim. As opposed to what, I couldn’t really guess. I’m also delighted that the seller measured him “from hand to hand,” when Kevin actually appears to be wider at the elbows.

But then I think about this guy’s experience, and that’s what really gets me. If we believe the description, this person has had Kevin on display in his cramped New York City apartment for ten whole years. He wishes he could have afforded to buy all three of the original Minions from whoever had these on hand in the first place, but he couldn’t afford it. Did he pay thousands of dollars back then, or is this a markup because Kevin’s value has appreciated over the last ten years? And why, after a decade of living together, has the seller decided it’s finally time to part?

Let’s start by addressing the obvious fact that this thing is evil. I appreciate the seller’s effort to highlight the stains and other damage, but the wear and tear isn’t reassuring, those are signs that this doll was used for malevolent purposes. I can’t say whether the Annalee Mobilitee Rabbit was harnessed for occult rituals or if it’s just haunted by a spirit, but I can tell you that you should not buy it.

This isn’t the last costume you’ll see on this list, but I’ll be honest with you, it is the best. The frog costume has potential for the Marketplace Hall of Fame even before we bring production value into the picture, but with the video? It just doesn’t get a lot better than this. It’s the surest sign I’ve seen in a long time that society is on the right track.

True story: I reached out to ask if they had any other presidents. The seller informed me that they actually listed this mannequin on behalf of a friend, and that friend also has Lincoln, but it isn’t for sale. I asked what they were using the Lincoln for, but the seller refused to tell me. Really, we could dedicate an entire article to the sub-genre of life-sized items on Facebook, but that’s beside the point.

Credit where credit is due, this is a well-done drawing of Johnny Knoxville. That’s not why I included it here. You’re reading about this portrait because it is a beautifully weird decision to draw a portrait of Johnny Knoxville in the first place. I’ve got nothing against the guy, but why Johnny, of all people? Personally, I’m a huge supporter of independent artists and I hope this works out. If there’s a Johnny-Knoxville-portrait-sized hole in your gallery wall, this person is willing to ship the drawing, and this thing is priced to move.

I have my theories, of course, but I can’t tell you exactly why there are so many costumes on Facebook Marketplace. At least in the New York area, costumes are vastly overrepresented as a category of products. But that’s good news for you and I, lovers of weird listings on Facebook, and this Skrek get-up is a prime example. I don’t have experience selling things on the platform so maybe you shouldn’t take my advice, but I think a picture that demonstrates just how bad this thing looks in real life is a bad call when you could just go with a stock photo of the product. I don’t think the mask is supposed to be this scary.

There’s something melancholy about this disco ball man, but I suppose that’s the point. It seems he partied just a little too hard. The last one could have been his last party, in fact, the guy isn’t looking so good. But dead or alive, you can think of all kinds of great ways to use him. Actually, I can’t think of anything aside from decorating an annoying club. Also, I want to point out that this is yet another example of what a hot selling point “life-sized” seems to be on Facebook. This is what the people want.

I’ve gotten a lot of mileage out of this listing for a zooted Garfield. The seller has a point, he looks absolutely baked, which is why it’s so strange that this thing hasn’t sold yet. It might be the $500 price tag, but I bet you could talk them down.

Don’t be alarmed, this is not a real dinosaur. As the seller points out, it’s very realistic, and it’s a “perfect gift for the dinosaur lover in your life,” but it’s just a lamp. It isn’t clear to me what they’re using as a reference for this T-Rex’s realism, but maybe it’s best not to ask questions about a thing like this.

Marked down from $145,000, this listing is one hell of a bargain. The seller suggests that this statue is a nearly 3,000 to 4,000-year-old artifact from a site in the plains of western China, making it a rare and important find. If that’s true, it seems strange that you might be selling such a thing with an essentially blank description on Facebook, but hey, I’m no archaeologist.

Folks, this is what we call art. A lot of us see a bag of Cheetos and think “food,” but for this Elizabeth, NJ resident, the snack food is a limitless opportunity for self-expression. What is this Running Cheeto Man trying to escape? Is he a metaphor for the thankless grind of modern life? The artist provides no easy answers. The sculptor notes that the Cheeto Man may not be lactose-free, which of course, is a joke. Only a fool would eat a priceless cultural object like this.

There’s something wrong with this Totoro, especially for $100. Sure, that’s a pretty hefty discount according to the listing, but I still think you could do better. You gotta love his smile, though.

Here again, we encounter evil in its purest form. Just when you think this listing couldn’t get more disturbing, the seller implies they have even more elves than this in their horrible warehouse

I was going to say I regret that I didn’t move fast enough to bring this to you before it sold, but then I realized it’s missing a wolf. Hard to believe they found a sucker who would buy this wolf lamp in such a sorry state.

No home is complete without a party pig, and this one from Wayne Kelski’s Katherine’s Collection is a beautiful example of the form. “Perfect for that pig lover in your life,” its bean-bag-like bottom is ready to keep it sitting securely to “bring joy to all who see it.” Before you say $45 is too good to be true, you’ll want to make sure you read the description carefully, because all the shedding (?) leaves it in less than mint condition. Still, if you’re party pig shopping on a budget, this could be the answer.