Oscar Wong / Getty Images
Negotiations begin before we ever sit down at the table.
“The negotiation with yourself is the most important one you'll ever have — and most people don't even realize it's happening,” said Attia Qureshi, who teaches negotiation at the University of Michigan’s Gerald R. Ford $F School of Public Policy and at the Ross School of Business. “Before you ever open your mouth, you've already decided what you're worth, what's reasonable to ask for, and whether the conversation is even worth having. That internal dialogue is where most negotiations are lost. Not at the table. In the shower at 6 a.m., talking yourself out of it.”
Qureshi co-authored Never Settle: Persuasion and Negotiation Skills to Get What You Want with John Richardson, who teaches negotiation at MIT Sloan, and previously at Harvard Law. The book releases May 12, 2026.
Perhaps the biggest negotiation failure is silence.
“Asking for more doesn’t always work. But on average, you can get a little more every time by asking,” Richardson said. Linda Babcock and Sarah Laschever point out that if a person negotiates her first salary up from $100,000 by 15%, that comes out to $1.5 million more over the course of their career. Just from one single negotiation compounding over time (assuming you keep getting the same percentage raise each year).
“If you keep negotiating, and keep getting just a little more every time, the effect grows and grows," Richardson said. "And it’s not just money. You can miss out on getting better projects, more free time, and better relationships. The world belongs to those who ask for more.”
It can be uncomfortable for many people to ask for more, Richardson said. It’s in our physiological makeup. Our ancestors resolved resource disputes with violence. While most of us don’t have to worry about that, our nervous system still tends to go into fight-or-flight mode, spiking our heart rate and blood pressure when we’re asking for more, he said.
“Your body thinks it’s life or death. But it isn’t,” he said. “Two things help you calm down. Experience, and preparation. And those are things you can start working on today.”
People have internal narratives that keep them from asking, Qureshi said.
“I don't want to seem difficult.”
“They already know what I contribute.”
“If I were really good, they would have offered it already.”
“I should be grateful.”
“Now isn't the right time.”
“The most dangerous one is ‘I'll ask when I deserve it more,’” she said. “That moment never comes. No one is sitting in a corner office waiting to reward you for being patient. The ask is the signal that you believe you're worth it — and that signal matters as much as the outcome.”
The best negotiators are the most prepared in the room. There’s a three-step framework for being the most prepared, whether you’re meeting in the boardroom or negotiating with your spouse.
“Capable people lose this internal battle not because they lack talent, but because they haven't done this work before the conversation starts,” Qureshi said. “The external negotiation is almost always easier than the internal one.”
When one party has more formal power, like in a salary negotiation, people often focus on that power imbalance, said Alex Mislin, associate professor of management at American University’s Kogod School of Business.
“But often, the more important and interesting question is what do they want or need and how can I be of help?” Mislin said. “You cannot influence someone’s thinking unless you have some understanding of where their thinking currently is.”
In her research and teaching, Mislin encourages people to not confuse asking with demanding.
“A weak ask is simply, ‘Here is what I want,’ she said. “A stronger ask is, ‘Here is what I am trying to accomplish, here is why it matters, and here is how this could also help you meet your goals.’ That shift is especially important in a power-imbalanced negotiation because it shows that you are not ignoring the other party’s authority or constraints. You are trying to understand them and solve a problem in a way that works for both sides.”
John Phillips, a Florida trial attorney and legal commentator, thinks about two questions before any negotiation where you’re outpowered: “Have you done the work?” and “Have you actually listened?”
“There’s an old adage, we only learn when listening; never when speaking,” Phillips said. “Preparation is the cost-efficient leverage the less-powerful party often overlooks.
“Walking in with the financials, the precedent, and the alternative mapped — and with the patience to listen for what they actually need rather than what they're saying — flips the dynamic faster than any clever tactic.”
The leverage you have when you're outpowered is almost always one of three things: Time, optionality, or story, Phillips said.
“Time, meaning if they're on a deadline and you're not, you have a lever they can't see,” he said. “Optionality, meaning your willingness to walk away — even at real cost — changes their math more than any threat will. Story, meaning the cost to them if this fight gets harder, longer, or more public. All could also backfire.
“The Omarosa (Manigault Newman) arbitration is a clean example,” he said. “We were a small firm against a former U.S. president's Ivy League-trained, Beverly Hills, Calif.-based legal team.
“We didn't win on resources — we won by making the cost of continued fighting exceed the cost of paying. We undressed their expert and made it about the relentless pursuit of right and wrong. That's how the smaller party usually wins — persistence.”
“When trust breaks down, the worst move is to keep negotiating substance. You're trying to plate a dish that's already burning — you have to take it off the heat first,” Phillips said. “Emotion in a negotiation isn't a bug to suppress — it's information. The party that's loudest is usually the party that's most afraid of losing. Naming that, with respect, is often the unlock.”
Experts agree: When negotiation breaks down, pushing on the terms tends to make things worse. The move is to reset the conditions. Change the venue. Slow things down. Name what’s happening.
We often miss negotiations because we imagine them in the office boardroom. In reality, conversations about workload, boundaries with romantic partners, and conversations about who handles school pickup may all be negotiations.
“Once you see it, you can’t unsee it,” Qureshi said. “Every time you're trying to influence a situation — every single time — that's a negotiation. And the skills are the same whether the stakes are a contract or a dinner reservation.”
Everyone has the ability to become a better negotiator, Richardson said.
“Not by becoming someone different, not by getting louder or more aggressive, but by learning skills that work for your style, your relationships, your life,” he said. “Skills you practice, get comfortable with, and make your own.
“And when you do — really do — the outcomes shift. More money. Better relationships. More time and energy because you're not giving it away to things you never agreed to. Less resentment. More of what you actually want. Everything you want is one conversation away.”
