The tyranny of women’s pants, a hate poem

It’s sale season, yet again.

Last year’s pants are OUT

Nothing worse

than

looking

for

thisyearslateststyle.

My choices:

Low-waisted, muffin-top-making

Zipper 3-inches-high

Pockets for what?

Two dimes?

Mom jeans are

No out.

Wait, in.

These skinny jeans are too skinny

The thighs in these are built for knees

Only tall girls can wear them

Though not the capris

Which fit short girls but not wide girls and now

OH NO

These jeans are ripped

OH NO

These jeans are not ripped

The crotch in these

sits too low

I walk like a geisha

my stride reduced to mincing.

This waistband

like a tourniquet.

These pants

literally bisect me.

What fresh pants hell is this?

Are boyfriend jeans actually manly pants?

Who wears the pants in my house?

Why are pants considered dominant when they are actually bottoms…?

Work pants:

Trousers

or Slacks?

Structured

or un?

Ankle-skimming

or flared?

Maybe I’ll try on some cords, khakis, cargos, chinos, crepe de chine or patterned, printed, price tag

WHAT?!!

These pants were made in Belgium,

these in Bangladesh

I covet the ones from Cambodia but cringe at those from China

Shall I spend on slacks from Spain and skip Sri Lanka?

How about wide legs,

super-wide, double-wide,

mid-rise, high-rise, low-rise,

oversized or slouchy

[(If Athleisure = leggings) & (track pants = athleisure) then (Sweat pants = what?)]

How about

high waisted trouser pants

high waisted wide leg trousers

high waisted wide leg dress pants

high waisted skinny dress pants

high waisted trousers skinny

high waisted tie pants

How about

clarity,

I’ve found them

The

best

ones

ever

P a j a m a pants

From here on out

I will now simply

Work

from

home

Forever.

The tyranny of women’s pants, a hate poem

The essential business news, delivered fresh every morning.