There’s an upside to disappointment. No, really.
According to psychologists, if you learn to harness disappointments and use them to examine expectations, learn from experience, and fuel your determination, loss can be a powerful teacher and motivator. “Major disappointments are often defining moments in people’s lives,” writes Dutch scholar and psychoanalyst Manfred F R Kets de Vries in the Harvard Business Review (paywall). “Constructively dealing with disappointment can be a self-curative process that can contribute to personal growth and make for greater resilience.”
An example of the power of disappointment lies in the US midterm elections. After Donald Trump’s 2016 presidential win, American progressives were depressed. But the Trump victory also showed that anything can happen and no one should rest on their laurels; in the ensuing years, many Americans translated their profound disappointment into action and engagement.
As a result, voter turnout for the Nov. 6 midterms was unprecedented, and the election resulted in many progressive firsts. Two Native American women, Deb Haaland and Sharice Davids, won congressional races; New York’s Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and Iowa’s Abby Finkenauer became the youngest women elected to Congress; Ilhan Omar, a Somali refugee, is the first Somali-American headed for Congress; and Michigan’s Rashida Tlaib is the first Palestinian-American woman going to Congress. Jared Polis, the Democratic candidate for Colorado’s gubernatorial race, became the first openly gay person ever elected governor in the US. Punk rocker Beto O’Rourke lost his Senate run in the traditionally red state of Texas, but came so close that he showed the territory isn’t necessarily a conservative stronghold. And New Hampshire elected an Afghan refugee to its House of Representatives.
These things happened because people took action instead of becoming resigned, and their motivation is evidence that loss has alchemical qualities. Disappointment, handled thoughtfully, transforms into resilience. Loss is then the first step to gaining strength. As German philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche famously put it—and Kelly Clarkson famously belted—”That which does not kill us, makes us stronger.”
An alchemical process
Psychologist Anna Rowley, who counsels executives at Microsoft and other corporations, believes resilience is the most important skill to cultivate. Winning is fun and feeling good is grand, but no one can win everything and the thrill of success is fleeting. Learning to deal with difficulty, she argues, is key to feeling good and succeeding in the long term.
Whether your disappointments are personal, political, or both, the dangers and potential they offer are the same. And you can take the same steps to make the most of what is initially a bad feeling.
The danger of disappointment is that it can lead to rumination and depression. You might get stuck in a negative cycle, going over and over a loss in your mind, blaming yourself or others, feeling doomed to fail forever.
Take young Winston Churchill. He had to resign as first lord of the admiralty during the First World War after a failed military campaign that came to be known as “Churchill’s folly” led to the death of tens of thousands of Britons. Initially, he was more than disappointed. Churchill was depressed.
But he eventually turned his folly into the material for success. Churchill lost his rank and prominence, but gained wisdom about himself and others, as well as strategy and tactics. Now Churchill is of course remembered as the prime minister of the UK, who led a British victory in World War II. However, if he had let that early experience dissuade him from ever seeking a leadership position again, we would not know his name today and the world might look different.
Mastering cognitive reappraisal
This process of using disappointment for good is called “cognitive reappraisal.” Basically, after you let yourself feel bad for a little bit, consider the bigger picture and what you truly hope to achieve, and make a plan. This behavior takes practice. You have to train yourself to contextualize and rethink disappointing experiences.
Sarah Schnitker, an associate professor of psychology and neuroscience at Baylor University, argues that reframing negative experiences by connecting them to a larger story helps you develop the patience it takes to turn a loss into a win. Your disappointment becomes meaningful, a defining experience that realigns you with your true aims.
Back to the midterms. Say, for example, that you’re disappointed by the results. Maybe you would have liked to see a “blue wave” rather than just a “blue ripple.” Instead of descending into depression, consider the big picture. The results reflect a significant portion of Americans who are frustrated by Trump’s rhetoric and actions. Focus on the wins and the near-wins; see these as a sign of progress instead of full losses. Reframed this way, the results are a powerful motivator to continue to engage instead of losing faith in democracy.
If success is the best revenge, then disappointment is the bittersweet secret sauce that can help any of us cultivate patience, motivation, skills, and strength. Just as every win leaves us open to future and potentially higher-stakes failure, every disappointing experience holds the potential for eventual success.