Uber announces UberFuneral, AirbnUber and 6 more new partnerships

Image: Wikimedia/Jim Epler
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Seamless for Uber: Ever hailed an Uber and realized that not only do you need a ride somewhere, but also that you are hungry? Now, you can order delivery through Seamless and the restaurant will deliver your food to your Uber. Whether you’re going to work, to a party, or just out to dinner, you never have to arrive with an empty stomach ever again.

Zappos for Uber: Sometimes you head out for a meeting and realize your outfit’s just not right. Now, you can purchase a fresh pair of shoes, slacks, or sunglasses from Zappos and have it dropped through the moon-roof of your Uber before you reach your destination. All Ubers will also come equipped with privacy curtains, so you can feel free to get completely naked in your Uber and try on your hot new look. Don’t worry, we’re not peeking. Trust us!

HotelTonight for Uber: We’ve all been there: You get into town late on a business trip, and all the hotels are booked. Have you ever considered sleeping in an Uber? Uber can give you food and clothing; why not shelter? We’ll slip your luggage in the trunk and provide an eyemask and Tempurpedic neck pillow. And HotelTonight for Uber is all about choices: You can lay down across the spacious back seat and stretch your legs (remember the privacy curtain!), or you can recline in the passenger seat, next to the driver, who will sing a lullaby of your choosing. Best of all, say goodbye to busy elevators and rude bellhops: Checkout in the morning is as simple as stepping out of the car and brushing your teeth over a sewer grate.

Zillow for Uber: Hey, your one night stay in an Uber wasn’t so bad, was it? Why not just take up permanent residence in one? Real estate prices are soaring throughout America, and all you really need is a place to lay your head at night and urinate in the morning. With Zillow for Uber, you can search for and rent Uber cars by the month or by the year. Stay in whatever neighborhood you want, so long as your driver can find a parking spot that complies with street cleaning ordinances. And because you’re living in an Uber, you don’t need to worry about transportation to and from work: You’re already in the transportation, silly! Sorry, no pets.

Tinder for Uber: Let’s face it: Sleeping in the backseat of an Uber car night after night can get lonely. That’s why with Tinder for Uber, you can swipe left and right on nearby singles who also wouldn’t mind ditching their apartments to live exclusively inside of a Lincoln Town Car. You might just be surprised by some of the catches you come across, as the disaffected masses who are forced to uproot their existences for life inside a mid-size sedan is growing. Heck, you might even fall in love.

AirbnUber: You and your Tinderwife aren’t always going to be in your Uber, no matter how much you depend on it for shelter and sustenance. On those rare occasions when you step out into the Extra-Uberverse, why not make some money off your uninhabited mobile home? Now you can rent out your UberAbode to businessmen, backpackers, and visitors from Lyftzania. You’ll meet interesting new people, and earn some extra cash that can go a long way towards paying your UberLords at the end of the month.  In this economy, who couldn’t use a few more uBucks in their pocket?

ZocDoc for Uber: Living in an Uber, you might develop various skin allergies and respiratory ailments, as well as muscle and bone deterioration due to lack of movement. ZocDoc for Uber makes it easy to book appointments with general physicians and specialists who can diagnose exactly what Uber-related illness or physical deformity you’re experiencing. And remember, in the case of emergency, an UberAmbulance is a tap away. (Surge pricing applies during periods of famine and plague.)

UberFuneral: This is uncomfortable to bring up, but it is a harsh truth: Eventually, we will all die in the backseat of an Uber car. UberDeath is a part of UberLife, just as much as your first UberKiss or the senior prom where you lost your UberGinity. Because of this, Uber is proud to offer a suite of funeral services, including UberHearse, UberFlowers, and UberCasket. Your loved ones will be able to pay respects in a classic setting, all while tracking the progress of the funeral service on their iPhones. We also offer the option to be buried in your Uber itself, in an Uber-sized graveyard plot. We know you can’t live without Uber. Now, you won’t be able to die without it, either.