Poem: The Internet from A to Z, 2015

Blame this guy.
Blame this guy.
Image: Reuters/Robert Galbraith
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A is for Actually,
And that mansplaining tone;
B is the Block button —
They can mansplain alone.

C is for Clickbait
And things you won’t believe in;
D is for the dogs
And the cats who can’t even.

E is for your emails
Stacked 8,000 tall.
F is for “Fuck it!
I’m deleting them all!”

G is for Gamergaters,
May they fall off a cliff;
H is for Hard G
(That’s the sound that starts “GIF.”)

I is for IRL,
And a nice, real-life chat;
J is for JK,
Because who wants to do that?

K is for killing it,
Which all startups do.
L is for losing money
(They do a lot of that, too).

M is for monocles
Tiaras, and deviled eggs.
N is for Normcore:
Now THAT’S a fake trend with legs.

O is for #OBAMA,
P is for pointing out
What the Caps Lock is for.

Q is for quitting
Your time-wasting apps.
R is for your inevitable
And shame-filled Relapse.

S is for Snapchat
And the unpleasant dick pics,
T is for Tinder
And when you unpleasantly pick dicks.

U is for Uber,
And its attempts to make nice;
V is for Vox
(CORRECTION: It’s for Vice).

W is for Wow,
Or Whoa, or WTF,
(It’s what you say about a longread
You haven’t read yet.)

X is for XD,
And ¯\_(ツ)_/¯, and all good emoji,
Y is for Yo
As in “Please never Yo me.”

Z is for zero,
The fucks you should give
When facing your critics:
”I was feeling my look! Can I live?!?!”

That was the Internet
From A until Z.
And if you disagree
Well, that’s fine with me:
Just lay off the Caps Lock,
And hit me with your best block,

And for my sake,
And your sake,

Let’s let each other be.