Poem: The Internet from A to Z, 2015

A is for Actually,And that mansplaining tone;B is the Block button —They can mansplain alone.

By Jason O. Gilbert2 min readUpdated July 21, 2022

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A is for Actually,

And that mansplaining tone;

B is the Block $SQ button —

They can mansplain alone.

C is for Clickbait

And things you won’t believe in;

D is for the dogs

And the cats who can’t even.

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E is for your emails

Stacked 8,000 tall.

F is for “Fuck it!

I’m deleting them all!”

G is for Gamergaters,

May they fall off a cliff;

H is for Hard G

(That’s the sound that starts “GIF.”)

I is for IRL,

And a nice, real-life chat;

J is for JK,

Because who wants to do that?

K is for killing it,

Which all startups do.

L is for losing money

(They do a lot of that, too).

M is for monocles

Tiaras, and deviled eggs.

N is for Normcore:

Now THAT’S a fake trend with legs.

O is for #OBAMA,

And #BENGHAZI, and #MICHAELMOORE,

P is for pointing out

What the Caps Lock is for.

Q is for quitting

Your time-wasting apps.

R is for your inevitable

And shame-filled Relapse.

S is for Snapchat

And the unpleasant dick pics,

T is for Tinder

And when you unpleasantly pick dicks.

U is for Uber $UBER,

And its attempts to make nice;

V is for Vox

(CORRECTION: It’s for Vice).

W is for Wow,

Or Whoa, or WTF,

(It’s what you say about a longread

You haven’t read yet.)

X $TWTR is for XD,

And ¯\_(ツ)_/¯, and all good emoji,

Y is for Yo

As in “Please never Yo me.”

Z is for zero,

The fucks you should give

When facing your critics:

”I was feeling my look! Can I live?!?!”

That was the Internet

From A until Z.

And if you disagree

Well, that’s fine with me:

Just lay off the Caps Lock,

And hit me with your best block,

And for my sake,

And your sake,

Let’s let each other be.