Very fake Santiago Swallow wants his very real Twitter account back

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As you know, I am an expert in the imagined self. You can therefore imagine how shocked my self was this morning when I found my Twitter account, with 80,000 followers and hundreds of insightful and carefully curated tweets, such as, “My dad is so old he can remember when there was only one type of house music,” and “New York, New York. Is it so good they named it twice, or so ADHD they were’t listening the first time?” had been suspended for unstated reasons. Twitter and its silly rules about only having a verified check mark that they bestow.

I discovered that this publication, “Quartz,” which does not even have the dot com address for its name and has to go by “” (how do you even SAY that? Cuezy, like Weezy? Or Cue-Z, like Jay-Z?) had published a scandalous article claiming they created me for $68. Obviously this is ridiculous. First, my father is Inigo Montoya. Second, $68? Do I look like a man who cost $68?

To the many dozens of Li’l Cuezy readers who became my followers this morning, I have appealed to the great, mighty, powerful, wise, and also handsome and beautiful, men and women at Twitter, asking that they reinstate the good name of Santiago Swallow, so I can tweet my many-selfed, yet selfless wisdom to you once again, with a link explaining the strange origin of my birth. My Wikipedia biography has also been deleted, and the TED people will not take my calls. Damn you, Cue-Z, damn you.