We translated Vladimir Putin’s congratulatory telegram to Donald Trump

Wait, is that what I said?
Wait, is that what I said?
Image: Sputnik/Kremlin/Mikhail Klimentyev via Reuters
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A press release from the Kremlin says that president Vladimir Putin sent Donald Trump a congratulatory telegram after he won the US presidency. We’ve annotated it with some commentary of our own.

In his message, Mr Putin said he hopes for work together to lift Russian-US relations out of the current crisis…

“We are looking forward to having America stop blocking us in international institutions, imposing sanctions on us, accusing us of hacking, hacking us back, and generally being obnoxious…”

…resolve issues on the international agenda, look for effective responses to global security challenges.

“…and also to let us supply Syria and anyone else we want with weapons, not meddle with our right to annex Crimea (or whatever other regions rightfully belong to us), and stop all this foolishness with building up NATO so we can bully our small, ex-Soviet neighbors in peace.”

The president of Russia also expressed his conviction that setting up a constructive dialog between Moscow and Washington…

“I used to go drinking with my friend Silvio, but Silvio is alas not a world leader any more. I am looking forward to having another world leader to go drinking with.”

…based on principles of parity, mutual respect, and a genuine acceptance of one another’s positions…

“I like how you basically believe anything I tell you.”

…will be in the interests of both our nations and of all global society.

“We will divide the world. You get your bits, I get my bits, I don’t mess with your bits, you don’t mess with my bits.”

V Putin wished D Trump success in taking on the great responsibility of being a head of state.

Head of state! Hahahahaha!”