Dear United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland,
We, the European Union—emphasis on Union—are sick and tired of you showing us no respect. You wanted in, but wanted to keep your own money; you paid less rent, but wanted to stay “special.” Fine. Unions are all about compromise, and we wanted things to work with you.
Then you wanted out. You raised your voice, got offensive, acted arrogantly, and said you could do better—well, fine! Sure, it’s heartbreaking, but you know what they say: If you love them, set them free. Plus, who wants to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with you?
Oh but then—then you realized you don’t know how to be alone, that you’ll miss our warm embrace. Of course you will; we’ve been telling you that for months. But how long do you think this crisis of yours is going to go on for? Are we broken up? On a break? Make up your bloody mind.
And please, stop treating us like we’re just here waiting for you to decide—we’re not. We are bigger, stronger, and much more stable. We do know how to be by ourselves. We’ve been trying to “go high,” as a dear friend of ours once recommended, but the truth is: We really don’t need you.
Still, we made a commitment, and we are ready to honor it. We are open to taking you back. But something has to change. We have conditions.
First of all, you send that buddy of yours Nigel Farage back over here to apologize for being so damn rude to us. And he’d better have an articulate apology. It has to be public—we’ll find him a place where he can be heard loud and clear. We also want it in writing. Printed everywhere. You pay for all of this, of course—including Farage’s travel and accommodations. (Our advice is that you go cheap on both.)
Speaking of the company you keep: Boris Johnson is out. He was terrible to us and a bad friend to you. He does not come over—not once, not ever. He has his own home in the US, where we hear he owes money. It’s us or him. Completely non-negotiable.
Then there is money. We really feel that we didn’t act like a Union and that’s why things eventually got so bitter. We need to have each other’s back. For instance, we all got way too judgmental that time Greece got behind on its bills. It really was a low point for us. So we think it would be nice if you offered to pay back their debt? It’s really not that bad—you can set aside 10% of your income this year for that. Anyway, it’s nothing compared to the money you wasted in the past couple of years. (And head’s up: We’re going to need help with Italy, too.)
You also need to quit it with those funny measurements. How do you think you can survive in the 21st century if you’re still weight things in stones? Ounces, pounds, and feet are ridiculous ways to measure stuff, and we really don’t feel like being with someone who doesn’t seem to get science. Let your American cousin keep their nonsense if they wish, but you have to complete the transition to the metric system; it makes a (metric) ton of sense.
While we’re discussing pounds: No more separate money. If the euro is good enough for us, it’s good enough for you. We decide what goes on its back together though—we have recently had some issues with Germany getting creative with coins, and wouldn’t want you to get ideas.
Oh and we are putting an annual cap on the number of British tourists allowed to visit Mediterranean destinations. Ibiza and Mallorca are especially keen on this. You know it’s the right thing to do. No charter planes will be allowed to take off from the UK as part of tour packages either, until further notice. (There will be no further notice).
How does this sound?
Just say yes, and we’ll be waiting for you with open borders.
The European Union