How to name a cryptocurrency

Don’t let bitcoin, ethereum, and ripple have all the fun.
Don’t let bitcoin, ethereum, and ripple have all the fun.
Image: Reuters / Benoit Tessier
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If you have several single male friends who only wear sweatshirts, you’ve probably heard a lot about cryptocurrency lately. Depending on whom you ask, cryptocurrencies are either the unstoppable future of finance or a hot load of nothing. At the time of writing this, one bitcoin was worth around $9,000. But by the time you read this, one bitcoin could be worth half a tuna sandwich. Roll those dice, baby! No risk, no reward!

You may be confused, however, by the names of all the different cryptocurrencies out there. After finally reconciling with the Jetsons-esque dumbness of the name “bitcoin,” you must then come to terms with words like “ripple” and “Zclassic.” No, these aren’t the names of fluorescent chewing gums—they’re the names of real electronic money you can use to buy drugs and bags of hair and other dark web things.

Don’t be intimidated by the fact that all cryptocurrencies sound like toothpastes from the future. With a little training, even a debit card-using commoner could name a new cryptocurrency, if God forbid you ever decide to start one of your own.

Here are Quartz’s four strategies for naming a cryptocurrency:

Strategy #1: Steal bitcoin’s name and change it slightly

If imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, then the world of crypto is filled with some incredibly sincere flattery. Since bitcoin was birthed into existence, it’s been followed by several similarly named cryptocurrencies, including “litecoin,” “dotcoin,” and even “bytecoin.” Naming your cryptocurrency “bytecoin” based on the popularity of “bitcoin” is a little like noticing the popularity of the name “Tom” and deciding to name your son “Tahm,” but hey, if it ain’t broke don’t fix it!

If you’re looking for the easiest possible path to a cryptocurrency name, you couldn’t get easier than copying bitcoin. For example, you could try bitcöin, bitqoin, Bit-O-Honey coin, meatcoin, or Bitcoin 2: The Squeakquel.

Strategy #2: Invent a sci-fi word for your cryptocurrency, like “ethereum”

Maybe you’re the creative type, and don’t want to simply copy the word “bitcoin.” Maybe you want to invent a brand new word all on your own. Congratulations! This is an excellent use of your time.

Since the very concept of cryptocurrency is something pulled directly from dystopian sci-fi, it only makes sense to give your new cryptocurrency a sci-fi name. Consider the fact that there are already cryptocurrencies called ethereum, viberate, and electroneum, which may as well be the name of three robot assassins.

Some brand-new sci-fi words to consider are: sporkz, electroBucks, spacejamm, hyperkramulon, plasmoticSphere, and laserLaser.

Strategy #3: Take a normal word and misspell it

Particl. Qtum. Nxt.

Don’t worry, I’m not losing consciousness as I’m typing. These are just the names of cryptocurrencies created with strategy #4, wherein normal words are ruined on purpose. See, “particl” is like the word “particle,” but without that pesky “e.” Get it? Language is a hoot!

Find a word people recognize and just ruin it. Go ahead, try it! How about “sandwich”? More like “sdnwich.” Bam—crypto ready!

Other recommendations include schlbus, cellFone, p0pkorn, and

Strategy #4: Just use your cat’s name

If all other strategies have failed you, you can always turn to #4. Find a cat, adopt that cat, name that cat, and use that cat’s name for your burgeoning cryptocurrency.

Got a cat named Snuggles? That’s dope. Snuggles sounds like a dope cat. “Snuggles” also works perfectly for a cryptocurrency that lasts four days. Just enough time to inflate its value and dump your assets!

There are honest-to-God cryptocurrencies named “tokes,” “melon,” and “storm.” I would bet 100 “melon” ($2.50) that those are just the names of some cats. So go find yourself a lazy, minimally violent cat and ride its name to success. It’s just that easy! Fancy Feast all around!

Happy gambling, friends.