URGENT: Plan to save Mark Zuckerberg’s 2020 presidential campaign

Mark Zuckerberg is getting ready to appear before Congress.
Mark Zuckerberg is getting ready to appear before Congress.
Image: Reuters/Mariana Bazo
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MARK!!! This is Bradley from Campaign Associates. We’re the guys you hired a while back to help you look into a presidential run.

I really hope you get this urgent message. As you recall, last year we laid out the steps you’d need to take to make yourself president in 2020. We had a solid plan. Of course, we didn’t know at the time that your company’s ultra-sensitive personal data was being harvested by a company working for the Trump campaign. (Did you not know about this by the way?? It would have been helpful for us to be aware of it.)

This Cambridge Analytica thing is obviously a PR disaster. It has already wiped away $5 billion of your net worth. Most people would say it’s a fatal blow to your 2020 campaign. Honestly, they’re probably right. But all hope is not lost. Here are the **IMMEDIATE** steps you need to take to get things back on track.

(Where are you by the way?? I have been calling everybody I can think of and it’s like you’re off the grid even though you essentially created the grid.)

Anyway, here’s our to-do list to get the campaign back on track.

WHERE ARE YOU??? The BBC, The Atlantic, Recode, The Guardian, and Quartz have all run stories with basically the headline “Where is Mark Zuckerberg?” If you’ve decided to take your money and run to New Zealand or something, please let us know.

Make an appearance. This can only happen once we figure out where you are. Where are you?

Admit wrongdoing. So far Facebook has tried to put all of the blame on Cambridge Analytica. One exec said it was “not a data breach” and that Cambridge broke the rules. That may be true, but people need to think you guys feel you screwed up, even if you don’t.

Figure out what happened and explain it to everyone clearly. I have been following this story really closely and I still don’t even know what the deal is. These guys just made some crappy personality survey and that got them personal data on 50 million users??? How is it that easy??????

Use psychographic profiling to sway potential Zuck voters. It may be questionable for the Trump campaign to collect this data for psychological manipulation, but you already have it!! People gave it to you willingly! Hahaha this is obviously the trump card (no pun intended) but we need to do everything we can. There’s no reason not to run ads sympathetic to both you and Facebook, targeting your most loyal users, or the ones whose psychological profiles suggest empathy or gullibility. Are you willing to do what it takes to be president, Mark?

Become less awkward. We mentioned this one last time but it bears repeating. Especially now when people need you to be a confident captain amidst a storm.

Okay as you can see all of those items are unchecked. I was thinking of putting a checked one on there just to make it feel more achievable but honestly there is no time. There is still a chance for you to run both the world’s most powerful country and its most powerful communication platform. Don’t give up now.

Also, where are you?

Senior Campaign Associate
Campaign Associates