You want full-time work with benefits? What are you, 100 years old?

Cubicles? Office politics? Legal recourse for unjust termination? Who needs all that?
Cubicles? Office politics? Legal recourse for unjust termination? Who needs all that?
Image: SEIU 32BJ Archives
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How do you do, fellow kids? I’d like to talk to you about how stupid full-time employment is. In today’s economy, extremely profitable corporations will let you compete to give your services to them for pennies on the dollar. Pretty cool, am I right? I, for one, think all millennials should do it!

Security? Benefits? Dude, those are things your grandparents wanted from work. You’re not a total lame-o, like your grandparents, are you? Don’t be lame, man. Crowdsource. Be part of a crowd. That sources. Profitability. For other people.*


And, did I mention the flexibility? When you don’t actually have a job, you have a ton of free time to do whatever you want! Except, pay rent. Or eat. Or have any dream of retiring. But, again, you’re not old or lame, and only old lame people retire, so who cares? Not you, because you’re having brunch on a Tuesday. Or, you would, if you could afford to. You’re keeping your options open, and I respect that.

The best part of all of this? You get to choose who you want to work for, and when you want to work. Now, of course, the person paying you also has quite a bit of choice (free market!) and isn’t compelled to do anything boring like pay a minimum wage or follow anti-discrimination employment laws when hiring an independent contractor. And, get this, they can terminate your contract at anytime, for no reason, without paying severance! Freedom!

Anyways, everyone knows that employee protection laws are just a scam perpetuated by the useless paperwork industry.

Here’s a tip for anyone who is just starting out: I recommend that you work for free for a while to prove to future employers that your work is good. A sure-fire way to convince people to pay you for your work is to produce high quality work, over and over, without being paid. That’s commitment.

Welcome to the sharing economy! And we all know that sharing is good. So, logically, this piss-poor recession/recovery cycle—that has taken so long we’ve forgotten that stable work for a majority of people is inherently beneficial for society—is a good economy!

Sharing is caring, you guys.