Ingredients
1 eager young cop with something to prove. (Can substitute with reckless young soldier.) Will Smith should always be the first choice, Shia LaBeouf second.
1 stunning young ingénue (ethnically ambiguous if possible), preferably a single mother with a blue-collar job and undiscovered sharp shooting abilities.
1 apple-cheeked child between the ages of four and seven, glasses encouraged.
1 retired army officer, retired fire chief, or retired chief of police. Must be describable as an “old coot.”
12 members of an alien population previously undiscovered, can be referred to as “trons” or “bores.”
Directions
In a congested urban metropolis, mix together the ingénue, eager young hero-to-be, and rosy-cheeked youngster. Hero should be new to his squad and steeped in paperwork with a bad attitude about the hand he’s been served. (“This isn’t why I joined the force.”) After ingénue and hero casually meet, separate and let simmer. Hero should have a tender spot in his heart for the ingénue’s child. Let normalcy, hope, and growing attraction stand for 15 minutes before adding in the rest of the ingredients.
Hero should meet the “old coot” while on the job. The coot will say phrases like “in my day” and “during the war.” He will be stuffed with wisdom and knowledge; knowledge that must be slowly mixed the gumption of the hero to create a fully blended mix of experience and guts. Let relationship stand until fully congealed.
Slowly incorporate the final ingredient, which will first be tasted as a looming threat. This threat should be vague and expressed environmentally—via lights that flicker unexpectedly in an office building, or mysterious cracks appearing in roadways. Preferably, any danger should first strike Earth at an Asian location (typically Shanghai or Tokyo) with word gradually spreading that the creatures are ready to move west towards the United States.
Be sure to include a scene in a major government security office where different TV screens show the intergalactic creatures flambéing different cities around the world. Add in heaping helpings of dramatic music. Let tensions rise.
Once the threat has reached a boiling point, separate the rosy-cheeked child from the ingénue mother. This will ignite the young hero to take matters into his own hands. Reintroduce the old coot who is eager to help. His vocabulary will be salty and he may smell rancid. He is still good.
Coot, hero, and ingénue will be whisked into a world-saving frenzy—they will also be set on rescuing the child, who is still isolated. The team will work tirelessly to sizzle the trons (or borgs), the ingénue will have riflery skills that no one saw coming. They will likely assemble a crew of other go-getters and rogue military men. All of these characters will eventually die. At this point, confusion may be ample, but action packed scenes will be sprinkled continuously throughout for the next hour.
A few pro tips: if possible, add in a moment of free fall from a skyscraper; the line “we’ve got company;” the demolition of a huge American landmark (the Golden Gate Bridge or the Statue of Liberty will do); a scene with people running from their parked cars while explosions rain in the background; a countdown clock adhered to explosives; a close-up of glasses being crushed in a stampede.
After one hour of action, expose the borgs/trons to a counter-active ingredient capable of dissolving them. The ingredient will work, and Earth’s safety will be restored—all thanks to the young recluse, the coot, and the ingénue. The apple-cheeked child will also safely bubble back to the surface.
By the end of the film, the alien threat will be neutralized and the three unlikely heroes will be an unstoppable compound. Drain all remaining debris from the scenery and allow Earth to go back to normal. Hero and ingénue must kiss, while the curmudgeon looks on and says, “Crazy kids.”
The final shot will be a baby borg/tron hatching, unbeknownst to the earthlings, and ready for war. This allows for the possibility of a repeat next summer if the recipe is a success.
Footnote: If the year is 2015, ignore all previous direction and present audience with Channing Tatum, in various states of undress.