The complete guide to getting away with murder in India

How to be a criminal mastermind.
How to be a criminal mastermind.
Image: Ryk Neethling via Flickr (CC BY 2.0)
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We are all glued to our screens, comparing faces. Are they mother and daughter, or sisters? Like all good-looking women, they confuse us. It’s genuinely hard to tell. It’s also hard to keep track of all the marriages. Not to mention the motives. Was it an honour killing, because this daughter from her first marriage was going out with the son of her third husband from an earlier marriage? And why on earth was her former second husband helping her? Was it because his daughter was adopted by the third husband? And where did the first husband go? Why is no one worried about him? The grandparents are adding to the confusion. They are numerous, and not always lucid.

It’s the kind of story that would make Agatha Christie leap out of her grave and rush to her writing desk. Bollywood is casting as we speak.

But that’s not the worst part. The worst part is, all of the people involved seem to be jolly good people. One of them is a gem of a guy, and the toast of Mumbai society. Another was a popular favourite at Calcutta clubs. The Queen Bee had many husbands, and as we have seen, she maintained cordial relations with all of them. How did such a nice bunch of people get into such a mess?

It’s important to learn from their mistakes, so that we can avoid them.

There are times when we may need to bend the rules a little, but we don’t want it to become a circus. Here are a few simple tips to help you to avoid committing the crime of the century.

Use BPO principles

Outsourcing is an old Indian tradition. When in India, it’s best to follow Indian traditions. If you need to commit a crime, find a third-party to do it for you. In the process, you provide employment. The economy grows. It’s a win-win.

Pay your driver more

Drivers in India do much more than drive. They run errands, bear witness and confess to your crimes. This is a very vital position. Inflation is hitting all of us, but it would be a mistake to economise on this front. Of course, there is also such a thing called loyalty. But when a policeman is stuffing a red chilly up your backside, loyalty can be tested.

Learn how to drive

While this to some extent violates the BPO principle mentioned above, sometimes circumstances may demand it. You cannot expect your driver to do everything. A rule of thumb here is that if you intend to commit a crime in your car, you should probably drive it yourself.

Cooperate more with the local police

This crime was committed three years ago. The police did what they could. They did not file a case. They did not do a post mortem. They did not report it. But they are only human. By mistake, one of them sent evidence to the hospital. It’s true that they never asked for a report, but the damage had been done. If they had been informed in advance, this could have been avoided. That’s why you need to keep them in the loop. They’re here to help.

Try not to be good looking

A picture of a good-looking person is one of the fundamental drivers of modern media. If you plan to commit a crime, try not to be one. Add small blemishes. Wear a bad wig. Try to photograph badly. Eat lots of carbohydrates. Slouch.

Become a Bollywood superstar

If your hips are flexible, this is a good option. Beyond asking for your autograph, police will not trouble you. Judges are generally benign. It’s the ideal cover for a criminal mastermind, and you will bring joy to many.

If all else fails, and the storm hits you, remember, this too shall pass. There’s just too much going on here. In Mumbai, the government has banned lingerie on mannequins to prevent our morals from being corrupted. The price of onions is rising. As usual, Pakistan is being troublesome. As the headlines blare and the anchors roar and your distant cousins appear on TV, you may think your life is over, but you should not worry. In most countries, it would be the crime of the century. In India, we call it Tuesday.

Image by Ryk Neethling on Flickr licensed under CC BY 2.0.

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