What do “billionaire tears” taste like?

Image: REUTERS/Mike Blake
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The campaign for senator Elizabeth Warren, one of the 2020 US presidential candidates, is ready to toast her tax plan. In a spirited display, the Warren campaign has begun selling coffee mugs emblazoned with the words “billionaire tears.” They’re reportedly one of her campaign’s best-selling items.

Billionaires are feeling salty about Warren’s tax plans.
Billionaires are feeling salty about Warren’s tax plans.

Running $25 apiece, the cups pay mocking tribute to the wealthiest Americans. An accompanying description explains: “In November 2019, billionaire and former Goldman Sachs executive Leon Cooperman…was brought to tears on live television while discussing the prospect that a President Elizabeth Warren might require him to pay his fair share in taxes.” Delighting in Cooperman’s misery (he also bemoaned the ongoing impeachment proceedings), the campaign invited buyers to grab a mug full of billionaire tears. “Savor a warm, slightly salty beverage of your choice…as you contemplate all the good a wealth tax could do,” the description continues.

The campaign added that a wealth tax—Warren has proposed a 2% annual tax on households worth $50 million or more, and a 6% annual tax on those worth $1 billion or more—could help fund universal free college and universal childcare, among other initiatives. Her campaign did not immediately reply to a request for comment.

But I wondered, what do billionaire tears taste like? And whose would I drink? If, like me, you find yourself parched, consider quenching your thirst with one of these varieties. And feel free to experiment with your own concoctions.

What do billionaire tears taste like?

Jeff Bezos: Whole Foods asparagus water

Lloyd Blankfein: Slightly metallic

Michael Bloomberg: Late-arriving, bitter aftertaste

Warren Buffett: Coca-Cola, with a hint of See’s Candies (surprisingly palatable)

Tim Cook: Sour apples (obviously)

Bill Gates: No taste

Elon Musk: Rocket fuel, with chewy bits of subterranean mud

Peter Thiel: Revenge

Donald Trump: Could not produce tears (status uncertain)

Mark Zuckerberg: Filtered, bubbly