Rand Paul
It’s crazy to me that Chipotle thinks it can dictate exactly what a natural, law-abiding American citizen can order on a burrito! They give you a menu, with this black-and-white list of ingredients, and just mandate that those ingredients are what you have to select from! Why are we so accepting of this burrito-ordering status quo? Am I in a fast-casual Mexican restaurant, or an Indonesian autocracy? If I want a burrito with French fries, and ketchup, and yak meat, I should be able to get just that! If I want a hamburger wrapped inside a corn tortilla and topped with Taco Bell sauce, Chipotle should serve me that, as a Constitution-loving citizen! That’s my right, as an American!
Now, Chipotle woman: Shut up and make me an ostrich burrito bowl.
Scott Walker
Yes, hi, I’d like a barbacoa burrito with extra sour cream and brown rice.
The Chipotle worker begins to assemble the burrito.
Actually, you’re fired. Everyone is. Get out.
Jeb Bush
Okay, let’s see: What did my brother get? Two carnitas tacos and an iced tea? All right, I don’t want that; I am not my brother. So, I’ll do a burrito…actually, heck, I’m in the mood for tacos, who am I kidding? But unlike my brother, I’ll get three tacos, with beef. Actually, you know, my brother was right, two tacos really is the perfect amount of food: Give me two tacos. And actually? I will do carnitas. That’s certainly the best meat option here, as my brother rightly identified.
I’ll also get an iced tea. I am not my brother. Wait, what did Rubio get?
Chris Christie
If you do not give 300 free burritos to me and my associates in the next 10 minutes, I am going to shut down this Chipotle and use my platform as governor of New Jersey to launch a state investigation into your employment practices and use of government funds. Capiche?
Ted Cruz
Furiously makes out with wife as Chipotle employees watch uncomfortably from behind counter.
Donald Trump
Yes, I am definitely going to order a burrito from Chipotle. Ready? Here I go. Going to order a burrito now. Gonna step right up to the counter and order this burrito, because that is my plan, and that is what the American people want to see me do. About to order that burrito now, and not just talk about possibly ordering a burrito, forever, using lots of exclamation points. Okay. Ready? It’s happening. Right now. Burrito ordering time.
Trump stands behind the other candidates, criticizing their orders. He never actually orders his own burrito.
Marco Rubio
Order obscured by sounds of Rubio sucking down ferocious gulps of bottled water
Dr. Ben Carson
You know, under Obamacare, all of these Chipotle burrito-packers back here would be marched off to re-education camps. And another thing: Why aren’t we arming Chipotle employees with guns? Guns are the hallmark of any good American burrito establishment. Guns and freedom. We should open one of these here Chipotles in Israel. The Israelians would love this place.
John Bolton
Hello? Can I get some service from here? I’d really like to order a burrito. Can anyone hear me back there? Anyone?